Todays hUMOR

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: 

• ATD -at the doctor. 
• BFF -best friend fell. 
• BTW -bring the wheelchair. 
• BYOT -bring your own teeth. 
• FWIW -forgot where I was. 
• GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. 
• GHA -got heartburn again.
• IMHO -is my hearing aid on? 
• LMDO -laughing my dentures out. 
• OMMR -on my massage recliner. 
• ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. 
• TTYL -talk to you louder!
• ?????????????????????????????????????????????????

???????"School Excuse"

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company and I'm keeping her home."

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CleanPun

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."

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One Liner

"I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes."

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CleanQuote

“There are three rules to writing a novel, but unfortunately nobody knows what they are.”
~W. Somerset Maugham

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"A Real Home"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A REAL HOME is a playground. Beware of the house where no rough-housing is allowed and no cries of glee are heard.

A REAL HOME is a workshop. Pity the child who is unfamiliar with wrenches and hammers, knitting needles, thread, screwdrivers and saws.

A REAL HOME is a forum. Honest, open discussion of life's great problems belongs originally and primarily in the family circle.

A REAL HOME is cooperative. Households flourish in peace when the interest of each is the interest of all.

A REAL HOME is a school. Many of life's most important and lasting lessons are learned here, both early in life and later on.

A REAL HOME is a temple, where people are loved and respected and where life is appreciated, in the recognition that life in all its parts is a gift of God, with our family being our personal and most precious gift.

Is your home, A REAL HOME?

Todays hUMOR

Paternal Payback

On the day I received my learner's permit, my father agreed
to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he
hopped in behind the driver's seat. "Why aren't you sitting
up front on the passenger's side?" I asked.

"Kirsten, I've been waiting for this ever since you were a
little girl," Dad replied. "Now it's my turn to sit back
here and kick the seat."
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1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,

but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate

 

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.


3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.


5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but just didn't have the thyme.


6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.


7. My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.


9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool

Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job..


13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally

got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT

I LIKED THE HOURS, BUT THE PAY SUCKS.

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Where?

A torrential rainstorm was knocking down power lines all over town.
That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was
dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was
told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied
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Senior Moments    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'  The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'  The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'    'Do you mean a rose?'  'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ' Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Hospital regulations  require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.  After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.  'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..  Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.  'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'  'Sure..'  'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.  'No, I can remember it.'  'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?'  He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'  'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.  Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'  Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.  'Where's my toast ?' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:  'So I hear you're getting married?'  'Yep!'  'Do I know her?'  'Nope!'  'This woman, is she good looking?'  'Not really..'  'Is she a good cook?'  'Naw, she can't cook too well.'  'Does she have lots of money?'  'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'  'Well, then, is she good in bed?'  'I don't know.'  'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'  'Because she can still drive!' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'  'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'  'Twelve thirty..' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'  Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''  The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

Today's hUMOR

New Bicycle

I was visiting customers in their home one afternoon. While
I was talking to them, their four-year-old little girl,
whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and
excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle. Do you want to
see it?"

I said, "Sure, Michelle." So off to the backyard we went.
Upon getting there, I saw a brand-new girl's bicycle. "Wow,
Michelle! That's a beautiful bicycle," I complimented. "Can
you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, and then with a sad face
she pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong
with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it
................................................................
Holy cow, it's almost the weekend again! I have been so preoccupied this week I hardly even noticed it's Thursday already. They say the older you get the faster time seems to fly, and if that's true I must be an octogenarian.

I don't know if I need to slow down and smell the roses or speed up and get some things accomplished with my life before I'm too old or tired to accomplish them!

That's it. I'm motivated! This weekend, no matter how long it takes, I am going to finish Portal 2 on the Xbox.................................................................
Do Not Touch!

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left
on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box
until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned
safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!
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"Goodwill Offering"

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.

He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that at least I got my hat back from this congregation."

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CleanPun

A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

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One Liner

Employment application blanks always ask 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency' and I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

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CleanQuote

"A skeptic sees the handwriting on the wall but claims it's a forgery"

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"God's Beauty Tips"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.
For beautiful eyes,
look for the good in others.
To lose weight,
let go of stress, hatred, anger, discontentment, and the need to control others.

To improve your ears,
listen to the Word of God.
For poise,
walk with knowledge and self-esteem.

To strengthen your arms,
hug at least 3 people a day; touch someone with your love.
To strengthen your heart,
forgive yourself and others.

For the ultimate in business, casual or evening attire,
put on the robe of Christ; it fits like a glove but allows room for growth.
Best of all, it never goes out of style
and is appropriate for any occasion.

Doing these things on a daily basis will certainly make you a more beautiful person.

---

Today's hUMOR

Night Shift

Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.

The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several
single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like
who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my
teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of
my teeth were chipped.

"It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.

"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said
I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
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The Politician

When former Vice President Hubert Humphrey was just starting
in politics, the accepted way of meeting prospective voters
and contributors was to organize afternoon teas and serve
light refreshments. The idea had been used for a long time
and it wasn't as effective as it had been.

Hubert, always the innovator, kept trying new methods. He
had a good friend in the actor Alan Alda, who in his spare
time managed a number of different entertainment groups. One
of the groups was a singing quartet, The Kingsmen.

Hubert employed this singing group, as well as a second Alda
group, several beautiful and amorous ladies from Norway, to
spice up his parties.

But it didn't work.

The newspapers the next day headlined, "Alda's cling Norses
and Alda's Kingsmen couldn't put Humphrey's dumb teas back
to gather again."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Goodwill Offering"

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.

He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that at least I got my hat back from this congregation."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun

A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Liner

Employment application blanks always ask 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency' and I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanQuote

"A skeptic sees the handwriting on the wall but claims it's a forgery"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"God's Beauty Tips"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.
For beautiful eyes,
look for the good in others.
To lose weight,
let go of stress, hatred, anger, discontentment, and the need to control others.

To improve your ears,
listen to the Word of God.
For poise,
walk with knowledge and self-esteem.

To strengthen your arms,
hug at least 3 people a day; touch someone with your love.
To strengthen your heart,
forgive yourself and others.

For the ultimate in business, casual or evening attire,
put on the robe of Christ; it fits like a glove but allows room for growth.
Best of all, it never goes out of style
and is appropriate for any occasion.

Doing these things on a daily basis will certainly make you a more beautiful person.

Today's hUMOR

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework .. you're a pansy.

If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're insensitive.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear... you're a pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.

If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
If you don't... there must be someone else.

Bottom Line... Men die first because they want to.
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Unclear on the Concept

Voice mail was the man's sworn enemy. He never really understood how
it worked. Finally he broke down and called the office operator to
get instructions.

"I can send you an instruction sheet," the operator offered.

"Great, fax it right over."

"Sure thing," the operator replied, "but fax it right back. It's my only copy."
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"4 Year Old Rider"

Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.

As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is. "I am 4 years old."

"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver.

“When I get off the bus," answers Johnny.

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CleanPun

After Old Man McGraw chewed us out, we went over to his house and we drew all kinds of pictures on his driveway, sidewalk, and foundation with sidewalk chalk.

That'll teach him to mess with the Mural Majority!

~John Gardner

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One Liner

"I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can't afford one so ... I'm wearing my garage door opener."

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"Disaster Encounter"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

"Oh, No!" the father gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!".

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

Today's hUMOR

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
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"Picking a Winner"

The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.

"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner?"

The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered. "Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is."

The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"

"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."

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CleanPun

Two people got into an argument.

One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"

The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"

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One Liner

"You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway."

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CleanQuote

"When people tell you how young you look, they are also telling you how old you are."
~Cary Grant

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"Parental Nagging"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Constant nagging didn't seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children.

After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read: "Please leave the bathroom as you found it."

I noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, "Brian, how did you find the bathroom?"

After a brief pause, he replied, "Straight down the hall, first door on the right."

Todays hUMOR

Comatose

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as
they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her
husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the
doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor
told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, "But
doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."

"37," came the weak reply from Lena.
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CleanLaugh - "Fish Fight Story"

Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"

****************************************************

Today's CleanPun

I was born free - my Dad's an Ob-Gyn.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One Liner

"Time is Nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once."

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CleanQuote

"Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes."
~ Antisthenes

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"Wedding Vows"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Mrs. Frobisher and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"

"How do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Frobisher.

"Well," said the child, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another!"

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Nervous Minister

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock,
"For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed
five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand
fishes.'"

A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not
much of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly:
"And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread
and two fishes."

Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do
that, Mr. Perkins?"

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

"How would you do it?"

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

Todays hUMOR

At the Doctor

I went to my doctor yesterday. After a long wait in the
outer office, my name was finally called. When I got into the
examining room, the nurse pointed to the scale and said, "I
need to get your weight today."

I immediately replied, "One hour and 5 minutes."
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

 "Drought Conditions"

Two brothers, both farmers, were talking on the phone.

One asked the other how bad the drought was in his area.

The other replied, “Well it's got so bad they've closed two lanes at the local swimming pool."

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CleanPun

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:

The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault, it was the asphalt!"

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

One Liner

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" but just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

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CleanQuote

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."

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"Just One"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.

One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.

One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.

One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal.

One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room.

One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.

One step must start each journey,
One word must start each prayer.

One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true.

One life can make the difference,
You see, IT'S UP TO YOU!
- Unknown

Today's hUMOR

Making Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny,
when I was a child, I was told if that I made an ugly face,
it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't
say you weren't warned."
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"I can't come in to work today because . . . ."

- "My son dropped the car keys in the toilet and I sent him in after them. Now I'm waiting for the plumber."

- "I have to buy some new skis. I left my old ones in a tree."

- "My computer is down. I'm trying to cheer it up."

- "I have a sick kid. The adult goats, however, seem to be doing fine."

- "I'm having car trouble. The trouble is I no longer own a car."

- "I won a sauerkraut and sausage eating contest yesterday. You don't want me there today. Trust me."

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It rained so hard here last night our whole town flooded. The entire city was taken by storm.
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"When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl."

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"The best defense against logic is ignorance"

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"Reasons Why My Children Do Not Need More Toys"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

By Tammy Rosenfeldt

~ They started off as babies who found my Tupperware drawer much more fascinating than their toy box.

~ The days I change the paper towel roll in the kitchen bring great excitement as they claim their new sword or telescope.

~ Their current toys are only exciting when I either reorganize them/put them neatly away or when I start my garage sale pile.

~ Who needs toys when jumping on my bed like the five little monkeys brings tears of laughter?

~ They are content to look at the clouds and find shapes - most recently Caleb claimed he saw Thomas the Engine. Really - just shouted it out while in the car.

~ To make one of them want to play with a toy, all I have to do is give it to the other one. Suddenly, that item becomes the best thing in the whole entire world.

~ The days I mop the kitchen floor and move the chairs into the living room are cause for adventure as they build tents and "dark, dark rooms."

~ A flashlight brings amusement to all for hours.

~ And my personal favorite - the other day they literally fought over who got to play with the fly swatter. I really wish I was kidding.

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List of Chores

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list
of chores. For fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your
wife a lot.

After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had
completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each item
except No. 5 had been crossed off. "What's this!" I
exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"

My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, "I started
to, but just never finished."

Today's hUMOR

"Home Early"

Little Dewey burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?"

Dewey said, "They let me go early because I was the only one who could answer a tough question."

"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked.

"'Who threw the eraser at the teacher?'"

=======================

Rat Presentation

Rodents had overrun a posh private school near New York City. So the headmaster asked a health inspector to deliver a slide presentation to teachers and students, showing how to remedy the situation, i.e., stow trash, no food in class, etc.

The following day, a teacher had her very young children write a letter to the inspector, thanking him for the visit. One of the students wrote:

Dear Mr. Ark,
Thank you for coming to my school. Until I met you, I didn't know what a rat looked like." Sincerely, Bobby Jones

======================

"At my age, I can't see the forest OR the trees."

======================

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
~ Ashleigh Brilliant

======================

"Proof of Identity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My friend Bev and her husband were reshingling their roof. As soon as they started, they realized they needed more supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard.

After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo ID," the clerk said.

"I don't have one on me," Bev replied.

The cashier called over the manager, who examined the check. Then the manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon lady in your town?"

Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson."

"Take her check," the smiling manager said to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."

======================

 "If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them." -Isaac Asimov

***
"...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." -Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)


***
"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none." -Benjamin Franklin

Today's hUMOR

Electrical Officer

My daughter is in the Navy and is assigned as an electrical officer
on a carrier. Recently I asked her what her duties were. She
answered, "To fix electrical problems."

When I asked what was considered an electrical problem on a carrier,
she replied, "Anything you can't fix with a hammer."

////////////////////////////////
Cletus

Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has
a thermos.

He asks him what it does, and the co-worker responds, "It
keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Cletus is amazed, and when he gets home, he immediately goes
out and buys one. The next day he goes to work and is proud
that he has this wonderful object.

The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What
do you have in it?"

He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
 ////////////////////////////////
 

Checking Out

I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was
having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner
malfunctioned, and then the cashier spilled a handful of
coins.

When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to
soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean
pole yourself!"

////////////////////////////////
Toothpaste

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions"
that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age,
people are asked questions that give a snapshot of their
personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the strangest thing
you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question: "What is the most common thing people say to
you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

Today's hUMOR

At the Doctor's Office

The doctor's office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving
at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly
stood up and started walking toward the dooe.

"Where are you going?" the receptionist called out.

"Well," he said, "I figured I'd go home and die a natural death."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her
father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger
and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me
show you what I mean." With that the father went to the
telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who
answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin.
Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial
them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a
bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with
something and we annoyed him. Now watch." The father dialed
the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the
father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called
this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here!
You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver
slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that
was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He
dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared,
"Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin.
Have there been any calls for me?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For anybody who lives in Illinois, the state lottery jackpot is now $24 million. It starts at $2 million, but it has been months since anybody has won, so it keeps rolling over.

It's odd. When the economy is bad and unemployment is up, the lottery always does well. I guess everybody who is staring at the business end of a foreclosure or who has been unemployed for 6 or 12 months starts to think that 1 in 10,000,000 are good odds. Suckers.

I should know. My numbers didn't win last weekend. Or the weekend before that. Or the weekend before that. Or the weekend before that...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with a lucky foot." --Jay Leno

***
"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving without me!" -David Letterman

***
"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze." -Conan O'Brien

***
Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.

"What are you laughing at?" asked Walter.

"There's a big black smudge on your face," said the girl.

"Oh, that!" said Walter. "That's easy to explain. I saw my wife off on a two-week vacation this morning; I took her to the station and kissed her good-bye."

"But what about the smudge?"

"As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine.".

Today's hUMOR

"Parking Space Sign Language"

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Three Little Piggies

Three little piggies went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their orders for drinks.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a glass of Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and a little later, the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and awhile later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water!" exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'" replied the third little piggy.

+++++++++++++++++++++++ 

"I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV."
~@toddieC

+++++++++++++++++++++++  

If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
~Yachtsman's Credo

+++++++++++++++++++++++ 

"On Company Time"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

+++++++++++++++++++++++  

"You Might Be An Engineer If…"

* You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

* You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

* You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

* It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

* You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

* You have a pet named after a scientist.

* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

* You can translate English into Binary.

* You can't remember what's behind the door at the lab that says "Exit."

* You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

* You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy."

* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.

* You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

* The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

* The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

* You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

* You've even calculated how much you make per second.

* Your favorite James Bond character is "Q".

* You understood more than five of these jokes.

+++++++++++++++++++++++ 

Ticket Explanation

Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper. Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket"

+++++++++++++++++++++++  

"I am not stupid - everyone else is just smarter than me."

+++++++++++++++++++++++  

"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."

+++++++++++++++++++++++  

"Wedding Toast to Groom"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My husband, Lawrence, had offered to give the toast at the wedding of his longtime friend Theo. They had shared many happy, and foolish incidents, and as the day approached, there was much speculation as to which events Lawrence was going to reveal.

At the reception when Lawrence rose to speak, the groom looked terrified. "I don't have to tell you anything embarrassing about Theo," Lawrence began, "because for the last three months, he's been so worried about what I might say that he's already confessed everything he could think of to his bride."

+++++++++++++++++++++++ 

Today's hUMOR

Checking Out

I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was
having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner
malfunctioned, and then the cashier spilled a handful of
coins.

When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to
soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean
pole yourself!"
________________
I just went shark-diving in the Bahamas. If you've never been to the Bahamas, imagine Fantasy Island but without the midget." -Craig Ferguson


***
"They say it now costs $250,000 to raise a child to age 18, and that doesn't count college, which is like $50,000 a year. So kids, if you want to give dad a great Father's Day gift, run away." -Jimmy Kimmel


***
"A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip into their retirement savings last year. And the other 80 percent said, 'retirement savings?'" -Jimmy Fallon


***
A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem: It wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written.

"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"
________________
At the Doctor's Office

The doctor's office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving
at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly
stood up and started walking toward the dooe.

"Where are you going?" the receptionist called out.

"Well," he said, "I figured I'd go home and die a natural death."

________________

________________

Today's hUMOR

"New Brain Study"

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that anyone with insufficient brain activity reads e-mail with one's hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)
Snow White Photos

Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. She took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

"I'm going to live forever, or die trying!" ~ Spider Robinson

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers.

One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine.

When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, "Maybe next time you will do butter."

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers.

One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine.

When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, "Maybe next time you will do butter."

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "The Rules of Bureaucracy"

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

Today's hUMOR

Hard Times

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one
thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a
way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested
limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"You Know You're a Northerner When…"

~ you know the 4 seasons - winter, still winter, not winter and almost winter
~ you have more miles on your snow blower than your car
~ driving in winter is better, because all the potholes get filled with snow
~ you feel warm and toasty at minus 26
~ you find minus 40 a mite chilly
~ the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
~ somewhere in the area is a piece of frozen metal with bits of your tongue stuck to it
~ you thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary
~ men think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons
~ your dog wears boots too
~ the mayor greets you on the street by your first name
~ if you don't go out for lunch you miss the sunrise and sunset
~ there is a sign outside of McDonalds that says: "Park dogteams in back"
~ if the school district had snow days, no one would ever have to go to school
~ you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Yacht Refinancing"

I went to my bank to refinance a loan on my yacht.

Making small talk with the loan officer, I told her that she was the main reason I came to that branch.

Not even looking up from her paperwork, the loan officer responded, "You don't fool me, sailor. I'll bet you have a woman in every bank."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

One Liner

"Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanQuote

"Earth's crammed with Heaven, and every common bush afire with God; but only he who sees takes off his shoes."
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Stage Mothers"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.

The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music’” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.

“Madam,” he whispered is that your son?”

“No, she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him..”

Today's hUMOR

Old Home

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two
elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was
concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they
could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband
confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero,
and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My
husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the
house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to
Florida for the winter."
************************

"Future Price of Roses"

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

************************
"Urgent Code 33"

It was April 1st, and in a small midwestern town, two rookie policemen were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 AM.

Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio: "Code 33 in progress, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Well, there was only one bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. A code 33 was an "armed robbery" but it was also just 11:58 AM and the two rookies decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them just before lunch. So they continued enjoying their coffee break.

At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat, Urgent, code 33 in progress, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Realizing it was past noon and the dispatcher sounded frantic, they rushed across the street -- but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.

************************

One Liner

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be. ~ Spike Donner from Ruminations

************************

CleanQuote

"Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for; to make them worth it."
~ C. S. Lewis

************************

Child Leashes"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

While watching my grandson's baseball game, I saw a young mother with her toddler on one of those child leashes.

She was talking with another mom about an incident that happened earlier that morning.

Her little chihuahua was sick, and she had raised people's eyes as she walked into the vet's office with her dog in her arms and her child on a leash.

All I could think was, "What's wrong with this picture!"

Today's hUMOR

"Forced Landing"

A flight instructor was sent out to help a student who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the stall, he landed in the field. Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the student, "Just how did you manage to get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the student explained, "but in order to leave room for you to land, I had the farmer tow me here."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

"I heard that the New Orleans football team has a new sponsor, "I Can't Believe it's not Butter." Their theme song will be, "When the Saints Go Margarine."
~Gary Hallock

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ 

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy - it's a question of finding a sickness you like." ~Jackie Mason

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  

"Those are my principles, if you don't like them...... I have others."
~Groucho Marx

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ 

"Horseshoe Impression"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The
blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  

Missing Homework

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher decided to
investigate.

"What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well... yes, it is." replied Carol, reluctantly. "I was
stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do,"
said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold
the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder.
"You see, the plane was hijacked."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ 

A SENSITIVE WIFE

This gal is sitting at home alone when she hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. She asks if there is a problem. 

One of the deputies asks if she is married, and if so, can he see a picture of her husband. 

The gal says "sure" and shows him a picture of her husband.

 

The sheriff looks at the picture and says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your husband's been hit by a truck." 

The gal says, "I know, but he has a great personality and is an excellent dish washer

Today's hUMOR

The Stockbroker

The phone rang in the stockbroker's office.

"May I speak with Mr. Bradford?"

"I'm sorry. Mr. Bradford is on another line."

This is Mr. Ingram's office. We'd like to know if he's bullish or
bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife. Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
#########################
Bible Bafflement

My friend opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible
as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order
office supplies over the phone.

When his stationery arrived, it bore the letterhead, "That
Nun Should Perish."

- from Tom Harrison (via Reader's Digest)
#########################
Buy a Bull

A brunette and her blonde sister had just inherited a ranch.
Deciding that they needed to buy a bull, the brunette told
her sister that she would go into town, find a bull she
liked, and if she bought it, send a telegram back telling
her sister to come pick up the bull. The blonde agreed, so
the brunette took $600 and went to town. There, she found a
bull she just loved and bought it for $599.

When she walked into the post office, the post man told her
that a telegram was a dollar per word. "But I only have one
dollar!" she exclaimed.

"Then you only get one word," he calmly replied.

After thinking long and hard, she finally decided on her
word: "Comfortable."

"Are you sure that's the word you want?" asked the postman,
puzzled.

"Yep. You don't know my sister. She's a blonde; she'll read
it really slowly and say COME-FOR-DA-BULL."
#########################
Does anybody know how to unglue a sock from the floor?

Last weekend I did a few little projects around the condo including gluing down a loose linoleum tile in the laundry room. Apparently I used a bit too much glue, because some of it squeezed out of the cracks after I had pressed the tile down.

What I did not count on is how long it takes the glue to dry, because the next night I was standing in the laundry room doing laundry, and when I tried to step away I found that my foot was glued to the floor.

And it was really stuck, too! I had to take my foot out of my sock. So now I have to figure out how to get the sock up without leaving a quarter-sized patch of white cotton in the middle of the floor.

Fortunately I was wearing socks or else I might still be standing there right now!
#########################
"A helping word to one in trouble is like a switch in a railroad track...an inch between wreck and smooth, rolling prosperity." -Henry Ward Beecher


***
"All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it." -Samuel Butler


***
"All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those who are movable; and those who move." -Benjamin Franklin


***
When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.

"That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,'" he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about $798,000."

Today's hUMOR

"Freedom Peppers"

A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "jo-la-pen-o," not "ho-lo-peen-yo."

The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called."

The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please."

The cashier responds, "That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Today's CleanPun

Why was the Tibetan rooster unusual?

Himalayan!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
~Lucille Ball

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Animal Instincts"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

In the middle of one of Henry Ward Beecher's most potent political speeches, a member of the crowd gave a perfect imitation of a cock crowing. While the audience roared with laughter, the speaker gave no sign of annoyance, but he removed his watch and studied it while the noise died down.

"That's odd," Beecher said at last. "My watch says it's ten o'clock, but there can't be any mistake. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park
bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every
sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each
other's friendship.

One day the younger of the two turned to the other and said,
"Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed
after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to
remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed,
said nothing for two full minutes, and finally said, "How
soon do you have to know?"