Give and Take
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
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The Rude Customer
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Buzz Off!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
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Selling Bibles
While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"
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"Leaky Pipe"
A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.
"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.
"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Frobisher?"
The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady.
"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"
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"Barack Obama said today that he would consider Al Gore to
be in his Cabinet. Al Gore said he would do it as long as
it was full of Twinkies." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three
groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and
value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will
replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"The music industry is stumped by the huge drop in sales of
rap music. Sales of rap music down 21 percent this past year.
A lot of rappers have had to cut back on their lifestyle. A
lot of rappers getting rid of the gold teeth. They're going
with aluminum siding...it's cheaper." -Jay Leno
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My little niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to church
for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children
cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in this
case, a piece of bread, he says, "God be with you."
Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She
came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend
down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed
it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic
voice, "God will get you."
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"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-
boyfriend."
"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."
"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out
with her."
"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."
"Wow! Is that true?"
"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."
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Young Patients
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his
young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge
of body parts.
One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor
asked him, "Is this your nose?"
Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said,
"Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"It looks like Mitt Romney really wants to be picked as vice president. Did you see the picture in the paper today of Romney talking to John McCain? Show this picture [on screen: picture of McCain and Romney]. Doesn't it look the head of Leisure World explaining the benefits of assisted living to the newest resident? 'Plus, we have Meals on Wheels.'" -- Jay Leno
"I don't know that Clinton and Obama will ever be friendly enough now to be running mates, but John McCain is rumored to be close to asking his former rival, Mitt Romney, to be his running mate. You might remember that when they were running against each other, McCain accused Romney of having two positions on every issue. I guess now he figures there will at least be one position he likes, so what the (heck). John McCain and Mitt Romney, to me, look like two guys who model overcoats in 'Sears' catalogues" --Jimmy Kimmel
"I don't know if you've heard this, but in
"Barack Obama was on 'The View' this morning. I guess they are still trying to find somebody to fill the Rosie spot." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Big story this week: Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she went to
"Here's kind of a philosophical question: If a sniper fires a gun in the woods and nobody's around, does Hillary Clinton still hear it?" -- Jay Leno
"Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton was in
"It looks like there's a little more fudging of Hillary's records. Remember when she said she was deeply involved in the Irish Peace Process? Turns out, she just saw 'Lord of the Dance.'" -- Jay Leno
"Why did she lie about this? She needs the street cred for being shot at? What is she, 50 Cent? Hillary: Get Elected, Or Lie Trying... Sinbad was the one who busted her on this. He contradicted her whole story. Boy, what a pair they make, huh? A once popular celebrity from the '90s whose star is fading fast and Sinbad." --Bill Maher