Make the Beds
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers. I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
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Cows and Bulls
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing. Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
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New Mercedes
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
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Don't Ignore the Kids
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car. "What took you so long, son?" he asked. "The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even." "How?" "I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."
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Insurance Salesman
"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where
the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down
"Lifeguard." Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance,
but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the
Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain
to salesmanship?"
"I could not swim," my cousin replied.
He got the job.
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AMUSING QUOTE
"This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask.
And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him." ~Conan O'Brien
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A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
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"Casket Comment"
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon.
"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell.
"The nut has gone to heaven."
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"Pineapple"
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
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”Communion Message”
Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament.
Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!"
Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front... and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised priest in the middle of his sermon!
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Yooper Airlines
We Are Pleased To Announce Yooper Air Is Now Operating In Michygander. Also Serving Visconsin, Nort And Sout Dakoter.
If you are travelin soon, consider Yooper Air, DA no-frills airline. You're all in DA same boat on Yooper Air, where flyin is a upliftin Experience.
Dere is no first class on any Yooper Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a Main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in DA Rear of DA aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by Free will offering and DA plane will not land 'til DA budget is met.
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit DA Safety system aboard dis Yooper Air. Okay den, lis ten up. I'm only gonna Say dis vonce. In DA event Of a sudden loss of cab in pressure, I am
frankly going to be real Surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly
right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure Vould probably mean DA Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I Vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on DA rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze Back up in dair little holes. Probably DA masks fell out because of Turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, But after a while you get used to it.
In DA event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying DA Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to DA part about forgive us our sins As we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say trespass Against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on DA plane is strictly forbidden, not because Daymay confuse DA plane's navigation system, which is S eat of DA pants All DA way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in DA wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on DA side Of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with DA coffee pot Up front. Den we'll have DA hymn sing; hymnals are in DA seat pocket in Front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be Real upset and I am not kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace: 'Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze Gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.' Amen
P. S. To understand this ~ it really helps if you are from Michigan........Ya. ‘ey??