Perks Of Being Over 50! 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
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E-mail Prblem
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"
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Ordering Pizza in 2008
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have
your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh,
it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at
1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's
494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance
is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email
address is sheehan@ home.net. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Op! erator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security
System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your
ordering time"
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a
couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode
sensors indicate that you've got very high blood
pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National
Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy
choice."
Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.
I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something
like that?
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean
Recipes'from your local library last week, sir. That's
why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two
family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife
and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the
crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have
to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its
limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash
before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking
account's overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have
the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll
be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you
might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the
cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be
a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car
payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's
paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday"
Customer: "Hey!"
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of
Coke".
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary
clause prevents us from offering free soda to
diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank
you for calling Pizza Hut!"
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(NOTE: As you know, I am not a doctor
-- and I don't even play one on TV [I play a preacher
on TV...] -- but these look interesting) --
Interesting food cures
HEADACHE? - EAT FISH !
Eat plenty of fish - fish oil helps prevent headaches.
So does ginger, which reduces inflammation and pain.
HAY FEVER? EAT YOGURT!
Eat lots of yogurt before pollen season. Also-eat
honey from your area (local region) daily.
INSOMNIA (CAN'T SLEEP?) - HONEY!
Use honey as a tranquilizer and sedative.
ASTHMA? - EAT ONIONS!
Eating onions helps ease constriction of bronchial
tubes.
ARTHRITIS? - EAT FISH, TOO!!
Salmon, tuna, mackerel and sardines actually prevent
arthritis.
UPSET STOMACH? - BANANAS - GINGER!!!!!
Bananas will settle an upset stomach. Ginger will cure
morning sickness and nausea.
BLADDER INFECTION? DRINK CRANBERRY JUICE!!!!
High-acid cranberry juice controls harmful bacteria.
BONE PROBLEMS? EAT PINEAPPLE!!!
Bone fractures and osteoporosis can be prevented by
the manganese in pineapple.
PREMENSTRUAL SYNDROME? EAT CORNFLAKES!!!!
Women can ward off the effects of PMS with cornflakes,
which help reduce depression, anxiety and fatigue.
MEMORY PROBLEMS? EAT OYSTERS!
Oysters help improve your mental functioning by
supplying much-needed zinc.
COLDS? EAT GARLIC!
Clear up that stuffy head with garlic.
COUGHING? USE RED PEPPERS!!
A substance similar to that found in the cough syrups
is found in hot red pepper. Use red (cayenne) pepper
with caution-it can irritate your tummy.
BREAST CANCER?
Wheat, bran and cabbage help maintain estrogen at
healthy levels.
LUNG CANCER? EAT DARK GREEN AND ORANGE AND VEGGIES!!!
A good antidote is beta carotene, a form of Vitamin A
found in dark green and orange vegetables.
ULCERS? EAT CABBAGE ALSO!!!
Cabbage contains chemicals that help heal both gastric
and duodena ulcers.
DIARRHEA? EAT APPLES!
Grate an apple with its skin, let it turn brown and
eat it to cure this condition.
CLOGGED ARTERIES? EAT AVOCADO!
Mono unsaturated fat in avocados lowers cholesterol.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE? EAT CELERY AND OLIVE OIL!!!
Olive oil has been shown to lower blood pressure.
Celery contains a chemical that lowers pressure too.
BLOOD SUGAR IMBALANCE? EAT BROCCOLI AND PEANUTS!!!
The chromium in broccoli and peanuts helps regulate
insulin and blood sugar.
Kiwi: Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of
potassium, magnesium, Vitamin E and fiber. Its Vitamin
C content is twice that of an orange.
Apple: An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Although
an apple has a low Vitamin C content, it has
antioxidants and flavonoids which enhance the
activity of Vitamin C thereby helping to lower the
risks of colon cancer, heart attack and stroke.
Strawberry: Protective fruit. Strawberries have the
highest total antioxidant power among major fruits,
which protects the body from cancer causing, blood
vessel clogging free radicals.
Orange: Sweetest medicine. Taking 2 - 4 oranges a day
may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent
and dissolve kidney stones as well as lessen the risk
of colon cancer.
Water Melon: Coolest Thirst Quencher. Composed of 92%
water, it is also packed with a giant dose of
glutathione which helps boost our immune system. They
are also a key source of lycopene - the cancer
fighting oxidant.
Other nutrients found in water melon are Vitamin C and
Potassium.
Guava and Papaya: They are the clear winners for their
high Vitamin C content.
Guava is also rich in fiber which helps prevent
constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene, which is
good for your eyes.
Tips on how to stay young.......
Researchers have found that people who generally live
longer do so partly because of good habits. Here, Dr
Vernon Coleman and others provide some of the
following good habits for longevity.
01. Laugh and have fun, don't be gloomy.
02. Let bygones be bygones. Dwelling on the past
inflicts unnecessary stress.
03. Early to bed, early to rise, is healthy and wise.
04. Stay lean, being just 30% overweight is bad.
05. Keep learning, reading and socializing. An alert
and active mind keeps brain cells healthy.
06. Keep working, doing something you like. Don't
retire. It slows down your body.
07. Be the boss of your own life. Letting others push
you around produces stress.
08. Too many pills ruin your body. Take just what you
need.
09. Constantly alternating between weight gain and
loss is bad.
10. Exercise, quit smoking and eat less fatty foods.
11. Do not worry about health or death, just get on
with your life and enjoy it!