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Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the
toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer,
then you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes We Just Need to Remember What The Rules of
Life Really Are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have
another chance!
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and
Friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan!
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Do Not:
Do not ride in automobiles: they are responsible for
20 % of all fatal accidents.
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the
home.
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians.
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all
accidents happen on these.
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders.
Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church! See you Sunday!
~ Author Unknown
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Heartfelt
Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his behind.
"James, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."
Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."