I took my mother on a fishing excursion yesterday. Nobody was having
any luck. After drifting for hours without so much as a nibble, who
should hook into one but my Mom.
Everyone on the boat was excited, cheering the old woman on and
telling her to take her time.
Finally she lifted the fish into the boat, picked it up, removed the
hook, looked at it up and down, and then tossed it back into the water.
I was stunned. I said, "Mom, why did you throw that fish back into the water?"
"I don't know. To me it just didn't look fresh."
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"Solid to Gas"
Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer).
A previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.
You can rate this joke at:
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"I have a sore throat, Doctor. I ache, I have a fever."
"Sounds like a virus."
"Everyone in the office has it."
"Well then, maybe it's a staff infection."
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One Liner
"Red meat is not bad for you - it's green fuzzy meat that's bad for you"
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CleanQuote
"There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world, and that is an idea whose time has come."
~Victor Hugo
~Victor Hugo
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For most men:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card, and receipt
For some women:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least two minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in first
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel three miles
41. Release hand brake