"Parking Confusion"
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
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CleanQuote
"The first thing to try when all else fails is again."
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"Humility"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.
Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.
He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, "No no, sir. You must not applaud."
Dumfounded, he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."
"No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech."
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Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let
the children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so
that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset
the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
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Most mornings I go to the local YMCA to exercise. One morning there was a
big man working out on the stair climbing machine. He was really climbing
stairs. I did my time on the treadmill and he was still climbing. I went to
another machine to continue my work out. He was still climbing. I wondered
what motivated him to work so vigorously.
He finally finished and as he walked by where I was working out, I said to
him, "You were really climbing those stairs."
His reply, "Yeah, I was."
I asked, "What were you going to do when you got to the top?"
"Grab a pie."
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Earworms are songs that crawl into your head and stay. 98% of us have had a
song stuck in our heads. Six of the worst offenders are "It's a Small
World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena,"
"Gilligan's Island" theme, and "Y.M.C.A."
For those who didn't catch that, I repeat: the songs most likely to stay
with you the longest are "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight,"
"Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and
"Y.M.C.A."
Once again, those songs are "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight,"
"Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and
"Y.M.C.A."
It's not known why songs like "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme,
and "Y.M.C.A." stick with people but it isn't unusual for songs like "It's a
Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy,"
"Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and "Y.M.C.A." to do just that.
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"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to
stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." - Mark Twain