"I'm Not Sure"
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
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CleanQuote
"Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."
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"Dead Cat" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.
Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
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My resume brags that I am a "regular contributor to Time
Magazine," which is true: I regularly contribute about 30
bucks a year to their subscription department.
I've also written for the magazine a few times, and am
perhaps best known for an unfortunate column I wrote
concerning thank-you notes. In it, I described the
disappointment I felt when I purchased a gift for a nephew
of mine and didn't receive an acknowledgement of any kind; I
then went on to sternly lecture parents on the proper
etiquette for responding to presents. To make the essay
applicable for people who did not have the same nephew, I
identified him merely as "a boy I know."
I should have remembered that parents are grateful for
uncompromising advice on childrearing so long as it doesn't
have to do with their own kid.
"Hey," an angry father accosted me on the telephone, "I
don't appreciate you writing this thing about my son!"
"Do I know you?" I replied.
"All I got to say is, I'm glad you didn't send a gift,
because if you had, we never would have sent you a thank-you
note because you wrote this article about it," he fumed.
"Can you give me a moment to sort of think through that last
sentence?" I pleaded.
"My son's crying, no thanks to you, Mr. Thank You Jerk!"
I also heard from my nephew's father: "Maybe you would get a
thank-you note if you sent him something besides a sock
puppet," he fumed.
"It's the thought that counts," I answered in a patient,
"I'm the Expert in Time Magazine So Shut Up" tone.
"What thought? Every year for nineteen years you draw a face
on one of your old socks and send it to him and he's
supposed to be grateful?" he demanded.
"I'm shocked you think I'm using an old sock. Most of them I
hardly wore," I objected.
But the worst reaction came from relatives who read my Time
column and concluded it meant that I personally would start
sending thank-you notes.
"Did you get my gift?" my sister wanted to know. "It should
have been there by now."
"Yes, thanks."
"Because I haven't gotten a note from you yet. I'm really
concerned."
"Didn't we talk about this yesterday?" I asked.
"Yes, but there's still no note," she advised. "I know what
a stickler you are on the topic."
"Well, I got the gift."
"Okay, I'll call you tomorrow if your note isn't here yet!"
she promised, ringing off.
Faced with the threat of talking to my family every day, I
grimly sat down and wrote notes acknowledging all the
presents I had received. "Dear Mom," I wrote, "Thank you for
the sweater and for the socks. You can stop sending socks
because I'm running out of things to do with them. Love,
Bruce."
My mother, thrilled to support me in my quest to make
America more polite, wrote back promptly. "Dear Son, thank
you for the thank-you note. Glad you liked the sweater.
Love, Mom."
Well, now what? Do you have to thank someone for a thank-you
note? Well, if I didn't, she'd be calling me wanting to know
where her acknowledgement was. I wrote, "Mom, thanks for the
response. No need to write back. Bruce."
"Dear Son," she responded promptly, "thanks for your note
telling me I didn't need to write back. Love, Mom."
"Dear Mom, okay stop. Thanks, Bruce."
"Dear Bruce, got your note, thanks very much. Love, Mom."
"Dear Mom, while I appreciate getting your last note, I
truly think you've thanked me enough. So thanks, and let
this be the last time we mention the matter."
"Dear Bruce, thank you so much for your graciousness in your
last note," she gushed back.
"Dear Mom, I am sending back the sweater and the socks.
Sorry that one of the socks has a face drawn on it."
"Dear Bruce, thank you for sending back the sweater and the
socks."
"Dear Time Magazine: A few years ago I wrote an article
about how people should always write thank-you notes. Please
print a retraction of that article."
Dear Mr. Cameron: Thank you very much for writing Time
Magazine....."
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After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing
an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered
that the building had been built with no fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through
the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my
report to the manager before it got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about
smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by
returning your approval."
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One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a piece of
pizza and went to pay for it. Apparently, however, it costs more to get a
piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal," which would be a piece of pizza
and a vegetable.
The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he wanted to
pay less. My friend pointed out that there were no vegetables left in the
line at this point, so he couldn't get any. The cafeteria lady proceeded to
make him wait while she went to find some corn, despite his insistence that
he wouldn't eat the corn anyway. After waiting about ten minutes, he got the
corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away.
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Teamwork means not having to shoulder all the blame yourself.
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Rearrange Letters
This is clever. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble
DORMITORY:When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:! When you rearrange the letters:THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters:HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters:HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:When you rearrange the letters:ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:MOTHER-IN-LAW:When you rearrange the letters:WOMAN HITLERYep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaaytoo much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)