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One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sank with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man and, knowing that he was not real good on earth, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228"
"That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."
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On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist. "Hello,please mark William absent today," said the man."Why?" asked the receptionist."He is sick," said the man."Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" asked the receptionist."My uncle," said William.
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From British Newspapers
* Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
* At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
* Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Hobby Books
BAND PLAYING by Clara Nett
JAZZ MUSIC by Tenna Saxe
CUDDLY TOYS by Ted E. Behr
THE STARS TELL IT ALL by Horace Cope
SCULPTING THE GODS OF GREECE AND ROME by Jove
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Sunday SermonA minister decided that a visual demonstration wouldadd emphasis to his Sunday sermon.Four worms were placed into four separate jars.The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.The second worm was put into a container of cigarettesmoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolatesyrup.The fourth worm was put into a container of good cleansoil.At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reportedthe following results:The first worm in alcohol - Dead.The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.So the Minister asked the congregation - What can youlearn from this demonstration?A little old woman in the back quickly raised her handand said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eatchocolate, you won't have worms!"Don't you just love little old ladies????
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Go Bananas!After Reading this, you'll NEVER look at a Banana inthe same way again!Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructoseand glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives aninstant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.Research has proven that just two bananas provideenough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. Nowonder the banana is the number one fruit with theworld's leading athletes. But energy isn't the onlyway a banana can help us keep fit. It can also helpovercome or prevent a substantial number of illnessesand conditions, making it a must to add to our dailydiet.Depression: According to a recent survey undertakenby MIND amongst people suffering from depression, manyfelt much better after eating a banana. This isbecause bananas contain tryptophan, a type of proteinthat the body converts into serotonin, known to makeyou relax, improve your mood and generally make youfeel happier. PMS: Forget the pills -- eat a banana. The vitamin B6it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which canaffect your mood. Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate theproduction of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps incases of anemia.Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit isextremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making itthe perfect way to beat blood pressure . So much so,the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowedthe banana industry to make official claims for thefruit's ability to reduce the risk of high bloodpressure and stroke. Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex)school were helped through their exams this year byeating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bidto boost their brain power. Research has shown thatthe potassium-packed fruit can assist learning bymaking pupils more alert.Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in thediet can help restore normal bowel action, helping toovercome the problem without resorting to laxatives. Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing ahangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened withhoney. The banana calms the stomach and, with the helpof the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels,while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect inthe body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eatinga banana for soothing relief.Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between mealshelps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morningsickness.Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bitecream, try rubbing the affected area with the insideof a banana skin. Many people find it amazinglysuccessful at reducing swelling and irritation.Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calmthe nervous system.Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute ofPsychology in Austria found pressure at work leads togorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps.Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers foundthe most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoidpanic-induced food cravings, we need to control ourblood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydratefoods every two hours to keep levels steady.Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food againstintestinal disorders because of its soft texture andsmoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eatenwithout distress in over-chronicler cases. It alsoneutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation bycoating the lining of the stomach.Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananasas a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physicaland emotional temperature of expectant mothers. InThailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas toensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can helpSAD sufferers because they contain the natural moodenhancer tryptophan, like in turkey.Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to giveup smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as thepotassium and magnesium found in them, help the bodyrecover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helpsnormalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain andregulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducingour potassium levels.These can be rebalanced with thehelp of a high-potassium banana snack.Strokes: According to research in The New EnglandJournal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of aregular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes byas much as 40%! So, a banana really is a naturalremedy for many ills, and it tastes good too. When youcompare it to an apple, it has four times the protein,twice the carbohydrates, three times the phosphorus,five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the othervitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassiumand is one of the best value foods around. So maybeits time to change that well-known phrase so that wesay, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"