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My Town Is So Tough It Has...
Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register
Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales
Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb
Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand
Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer
Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys
Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw
A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list
"Honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor"
Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man
Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects
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Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee.
Bill slices his tee shot way right, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle.
"Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there."
"No way," says Bob, his competitive playing partner. "We play the ball as it lies."
And so Bill did.
After deliverying his opponent to the middle of the fairway, Bill reluctantly returned to his hard-pan lie on top of the concrete path.
After Bob knocks a second straight shot that lands safely on the green, he can't resist smiling. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings.
Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin.
As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot.... what club did you use?"
"Your 6 iron," says Bill.
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Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had it in my pocket!"
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Churchill Downs
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel
outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for
directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband
from the back room.
"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded.
He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the
university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder
to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the
counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the
university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the
twin spires. You can't miss 'em!"
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"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" a citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi. "What a silly question!" snapped the cleric. "The moon, of course! It shines at night when we really need it. But who needs the sun to shine when it is already broad daylight?"
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Father-Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed.
Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA . She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work!
Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
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HAIR CUTS
The Difference Between Men and Women
Women's Version
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.
I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?
If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's Version
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
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MAKING BABIES
A Mommy just told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is, now, silent for a while.
"You understand it, now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with human babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
THE STORK
When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment, by her teacher, to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me, at the dining room table, one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?"
I responded quite nervously, because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did Mom come from then?"
"The stork brought her, too."
"OK, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, dear."
"Okay, thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later, when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
WHERE DID I COME FROM?
One day, our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"
My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb, and, finally, how a child was born.
As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.
When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me.
He said that he came from Pennsylvania."
Learning to MAKE BABIES
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies, today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, said fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y'
to 'i' and add 'es'."
DAD
My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."
The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad. But, I have light hair."
Then, she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"
Her older sister jumped right in, "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."