Put in charge of organizing my friend's baby shower, I
decided to send out invitations via email. To let my husband
know that he had baby-sitting duty that day, I entered his
name on the "copy to" line.
Within minutes of sending the messages, I received an email
back from my husband. He wrote, "Imagine my disappointment
when I realized that your invitation wasn't sent only to
me." He was referring to the "Subject" line of my message,
which read, "Lunch and a shower."
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Objects in the mirror are actually behind you.
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The DefendantThe judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?""No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."
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The TicketWorking people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a store. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man. How about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for "having worn tires". So I called him a "member of the doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
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Moving DayWhen we agreed to help our sergeant move to a new apartment, we didn't know the elevator wasn't working. So after hours of carrying heavy boxes and furniture up 11 floors, we were wiped out. And when the sergeant asked us to search for his favorite pot, no one moved."I'll give a bottle of Scotch to whoever finds it," he shouted.Within minutes, a private found the pot."Good," said the sarge. "Now look for the Scotch."
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"Work Prayer"
Confiding in a co-worker, I told her about a problem in our office and my fear that I would lose my job. She was concerned and said she would pray for me. I know she keeps a list of the ten people she believes need her prayers the most, so I asked if she had room for me on her list.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Three of the people have died."
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Oneliner
"You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do."
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"Mongrel Pt"
In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No."
After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became... the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog!
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Defibrillators"
Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
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Food, Family, and PhilosophyA young man is about to go on his first date and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
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Banking establishmentShown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.Dear Sir:I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my er rant financial ways.I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood >person.My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.Please note that all copies of his or her medical his tory must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even furtherWhen you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH1. To make an appointment to see me2. To query a missing payment.3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client(Remember: Th is was written by an 86 year old woman)'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE "US SENIORS"!!!!!