Jeweled Portrait
There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels. Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
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The Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!" In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died." After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
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"Cake Question"
While working at Baskin-Robbins, I helped a woman, who was full of questions about the flavors and types available, pick out an ice-cream cake.
As I was boxing it up for her, she had one last question:
"How long do I bake this?"
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CleanQuote
"The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell."- Confucius
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Illustration - "Motivating Others" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
John, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it, covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway. Then one-day the paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional basketball. John had an idea.
When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch. Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.
John never had to search for his paper again
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Foolish Marriage
After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
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A Kitten's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep..I sleep right in the center grooveMy human cannot hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tightAnd here is where I pass the nightNo one disturbs me or dares intrudeTill morning comes and "I want food!" I sneak up slowly to beginmy nibbles on my human's chin.She wakes up quickly,I have sharp teeth And my claws I will unsheathFor the morning hereand it's time to playalways seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving meThis human person that I see.The one who hugs me and holds me tightAnd sacrifices her bed at night!
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Good Answer
Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"
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The Letter
Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the deadThough I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head; I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned.I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind. For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs,If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there. And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt.Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out. I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned.I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned. And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head.I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed? Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot.I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not. So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting soreIt may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more. Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very redInstead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.
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Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home.
He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went
to the door and way the priest.
He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for
God is here!"
***
"They are now reporting that the Grand Canyon is having a
financial crisis. They say there might not be enough money to
keep it going. How did the Grand Canyon make it this far?"
--Jay Leno
***
"What they put women through today when they're having a baby!
They don't want to medicate them, as compared to previous
generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication,
she didn't wake up till I was seven." --Dennis Wolfberg
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Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old
coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on
which I was still listed as the record holder for the
longest softball throw.
Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will
stand forever."
I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records
exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that
event years ago."
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A large truck was tailing my son as he drove through town
with his girlfriend. The truck matched them turn for turn,
down every street.
My son's concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking
driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window,
and glared into his car. After a long, hard stare, the man
grinned and called to my son, "Sorry, kid, I thought that
was my daughter."
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Recent Quips From Late Night
"Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations... The new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders... And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you're more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too 'flirty.' And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'" --Bill Maher "Hey, did you all watch the vice presidential debate last night? Yeah, there was nothing embarrassing from either candidate. Damn! No, political analysts say it was a strong debate by both candidates and there were no losers, okay, other than gay people who want to get married." --Jay Leno "Anybody see the debate last night? Whoa. And they're saying that Sarah Palin actually did pretty well, and that Joe Biden avoided any verbal gaffes, and I'm thinking, well, what fun was that? That was no fun at all, for God sakes." --David Letterman "They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'" --Jay Leno "Here's some good news. The bailout plan has been passed. Here's the deal. It went from $700 billion to $800 billion. Now the reason for that, it costs the taxpayers more. If it costs the taxpayers more, the better chance that Congress will vote for it." --David Letterman "Last night's vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the presidential debate. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers who enjoyed the movie 'Fargo.'" --Conan O'Brien "Now he voted for the bailout, which of course passed. ... They say it's going to cost every man, woman and child in this country 2,300 dollars, and if everything goes perfectly, soon, your money will be blowing to the banks so they can lend it back to the U.S. at interest. The free market works, ladies and gentlemen." --Bill Maher "During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!" --David Letterman "Good news, everybody. That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it. The House on Friday passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisers, M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson" --Seth Meyers "Sarah Palin seemed genuinely happy to be there. She said she was privileged. And it was a thrill for Joe Biden too. I mean, he got to talk directly to the American people on television, just the way FDR did when the stock market crashed in 1929." --Jay Leno "During an interview with Katie Couric Tuesday, Sarah Palin says she is not opposed to gay people, adding 'One of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years happens to be gay and I love her dearly and she doesn't exist.'" --Amy Poehler