After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his Home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating Properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom Told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything Like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, He waved his hand at a row
of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
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Combination Prayer
I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that
was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know
the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.
Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised
his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun
the dial and opened the lock.
Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith,
he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the
ceiling."
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For Trade
For Trade: One 16 year old who knows everything. Except: How to cook.How to clean.How to manage money.How to wipe up spilled water.How to drive.How to write a check.How to answer a phone.How to do math.How to be polite.How gas is paid for.How cell phone bills are paid.How to work the can opener.How to sweep, dust or vacuum.How to make a bed.How to do laundry.How dictatorships work.How to stop talking.How to get a job.How important it is to finish high school.How the world actually works. She can text. And she can argue. What else does she *possibly* need to know in life?? I’d like to trade her in. For a puppy.
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Cat Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep.I pray for toys that look like mice,And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,And someone nice to scratch my back,For windowsills all warm and bright,For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real coolAnd keep the secret feline ruleTo never tell a human thatThe world is really ruled by cats!
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Soap and Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied,"They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
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How to Make a Puppy Pie
Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered, then add the following ingredients. 1 cup patience1 cup understanding1 pinch correction1 cup hard work2 cups praise and 1 1/2 cups fun Blend well. Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size. Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy are one. Enjoy!
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That's not right. - Sum Ting Wong.
Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me as soon as possible. - Kum Hia Nao.
Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.
Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni.
I think you need a face lift. - Chin Tu Fat.
It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet. - Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King.
You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum.
I got this for free. - Ai No Pei.
Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?
Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo.
He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Shing Ka.
Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu
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Computer Instructions
A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."
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"Pants Dilemma"
A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
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CleanQuote
"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?"- Robert Orben
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Illustration - "Time" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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Building PermitA Zoning Board had just been set up in a new community. A householder went to the office to request permission to build a small toolshed in his backyard."Have you a plan?" asked the director."Oh, yes," said the householder, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of the shed."That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said, "Here's your permission."A month later, a neighbor in almost exactly the same situation also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to see the director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request. "Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary.""But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got permission right away.""Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we finally got organized."
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"Here's a sign that people in California have too much money.
Have you heard about this? People are now doing yoga with
their dog. Yoga for dogs. Who's this for? Dogs that want to
stick their necks out the car window a little further?"
-Jay Leno
***
"A Spice Girls reunion concert may be in the works. But
Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and the others are demanding $10
million. The $10 million price tag was thought up by the
group's newest member, Delusional Spice." -Conan O'Brien
***
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when some-
one says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me
that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have the $50 you borrowed?'
Man, quit being so cheap! --Jack Handey
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My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old
son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"
"No."
"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time; I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors
were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the
front of the house. No one was there.
"Where are they?" I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either,
but our baseball is in their living room!"
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A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know,
honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this
article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves
a stumbling block to the son."
"Well, thank heaven," said the wife, "at least our James has
nothing standing in his way."
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Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the
famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is
wonderful?
It's mashing!
What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry!