Talking to God
A man climbs to the top of
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
The man asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
The man asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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Bad Golfer
Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.
"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
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Vegetative State
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a drama about a man who lost consciousness and went into a coma.
He says to her "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
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Free Booze
It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who then puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the doctor says.
"AFTER the police get here." replies the lawyer.
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Run Faster
Q: What is harder to catch the faster you run?
A: Your breath!
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Giorgio, Chanel, Broccoli!!
An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
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School Counselor
to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself
on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a
game of soccer at the other.
A little while later, however,
spot, still by herself.
Approaching again,
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress,
"Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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Someone has come up with the following list of "politically correct" terms for teenagers:
* No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
* You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
* Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
* These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
* Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
* Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
* Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
* You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
* You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
* You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
* You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
* You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
* You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
* It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
* The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
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No More
I just read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and drinking too much and it scared the heck out of me. So I told myself, "That's it!"
After today, no more reading.
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New Diet
Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When Jan returns, The doctor's amazed to see a loss of nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
Jan nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
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Computer Work Pranks
- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
- When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
- Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
- Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
- Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
- Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
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Uncle Leo
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."