Locked Out
My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to
find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old
sister fast asleep.
Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the
back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father's
name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused the
neighbors but no one at our house. We drove into town and phoned
home, finally waking Steven.
When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the
television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad woke right up.
"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"
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"Teacher Tech Help"
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
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CleanQuote
"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day."
-Sally Koch
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"Parental Supervision"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"
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I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80-foot
stepladder with a coathanger.
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went
anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my
driveway.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for
drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't
tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out
the window...
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your
job."
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell
right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said,
"Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I
replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the
prescription for my eyeglasses ran out.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy
anything specific.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a
big buffet in the shape of a ouija board. You'd think about
what kind of food you want and the table would move across
the floor to it.
I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something
wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the
night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an
exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and
showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been
replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a
new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off
infinity.
I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land
on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back
of a cat and drop it?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above... so I never have to go upstairs.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is,
it's always room temperature.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were
broadcast all over the world.
Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a
flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My
neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they
called the cops.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark til he was eight years old.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he
makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on
this tour. I said, "The whole time."
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home
across the street except the little kids, I go out and lift
my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard
or I'll throw it at them.
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my
car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned
it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it
around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He
said, "Where do you live?..." I said, "Right here..." Then I
drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran
outside and told all of the cars to get out of my driveway.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He
said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I
don't believe everything I read."
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the
same time.
So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now
everything in my house is shiny.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has
false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio
announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't
hear him talk.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of
people on a tree.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on
the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm
afraid of widths.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the
shore looking like an idiot.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only
slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle
in the air.
Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said,
"Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They
said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I
said, "I'll wait..."
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just
a second.
What's another word for thesaurus?
When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the
backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually...
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked me, "Did
you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a
sweater real quick...
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came
back the entire area was missing...
You can't have everything...Where would you put it?
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a
psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you
think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all
the time.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and
you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm
like that all the time.
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"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." - Albert Einstein