hUMOR For Jan 7th

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total

eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured

by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon.

To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the

sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the

few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his

guard what time they plan to kill him.

The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when

the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture

so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal".

"Great", the astronomer replies.

The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in

your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

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At our daughter's high school graduation, I couldn't help noticing a young

man sporting a long bleached blond ponytail sprouting from the top of his

otherwise shaved head. A heavy link chain hung around his neck, and one ear

displayed several earrings.

I had to smile when I heard him say to his friend, "Man, I feel so out of

place. I'm the only guy here not wearing a tie."

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The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

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New Flight Attendant

An airline captain was breaking in a new flight attendant. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captian showed the flight attendant the best places for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The flight attendant replied, "There are only three doors in here." She sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it and says "Do Not Disturb!'"

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Ice Fishing

An old man walked out onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day. He drilled a hole in the ice, sat on his bucket, put his fishing line in the water and eagerly waited for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost five hours without even a nibble when a young boy walked out, drilled a hole in the ice and sat on his bucket not far from the old man. It only took about one minute and BAM! A huge walleye bit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it and figured it was just luck. Yet, the boy put his fish line in again and within just two minutes he pulled in another huge walleye!

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't stand it any more. He hadn't caught a fish all day. He went to the boy and said, "Boy, I've been here nearly all day without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught TEN huge fish! How do you do it?"

The boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm."

"What," asked the old man?

Again the boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm.”

Freezing and impatient the old man yelled "Look, I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy took off his gloves, spit a clump of stuff into his hands and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!!"

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The Smartest

Three men were walking through a park when they suddenly came upon a river. "I wonder how we are going to cross this river?" said one man.

Then a genie appeared before them and said,"I will grant you each one wish so you can cross the river."

The first man said,"I want some strong muscles!" Poof! he had strong muscles! He began to swim across the river but nearly drowned half way.

The second man, seeing this mistake wished for strong muscles AND wood. He built himself a raft. He too attempted to cross the river but half way through, his raft sank and he had to swim the rest of the way.

The third man, seeing these two mistakes thought for a while. "Hmmm...Aha! I wish to be a woman!" Poof! He had turned into a woman!

The woman pulled out a map, located the nearest bridge on it, and hiked about 5 feet to it and crossed it.

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Learning to Talk

There was a man who couldn't talk and he wanted to learn how.

So he went to an oprera and heard the singer go "Meeeeeeeeeeemeeeeeemeeeeeeee."

Next he went to a pottery store and heard a salesman going "Forks and knives, forks and knives."

Next, in the street he heard a kid go "He stole my lollipop!"

He walked around all day learning these phrases. While he was practicing he accidently walked on a murder scene and practically tripped over the dead guy in the street. Before he knows it, he's talking to a policeman who asks "Who killed this man?"

"Meeeeemeeeeemeeeeee"

"Well, how did you kill him?"

"Forks and knives, forks and Knives"

"But why did you kill him?"

"He stole my lollipop!"

"Okay, you're coming with me mister!"

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L Train

One December morning, I headed down the steps to catch my

subway, the "L" train. A sign on the platform declared that

the line was not running, but there was bus service

above-ground.

I was rushing back up the stairs when I passed two women

descending.

"No 'L,'" I gasped as I ran by.

"And a Merry Christmas to you too," they called out,

continuing down the stairs.

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After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you

begin to worry about history.

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Touch It

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks," the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar largebounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:

"Tag! You're it!"