hUMOR For Feb 1st

Pondering the Imponderable

- What was the best thing before sliced bread?

- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

- How is it possible to have a civil war?

- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

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Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed that that was the most impressive of all.

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"He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel

in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head

with a mallet" -Fred Allen

***

"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read 'War

and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's about Russia."

-Woody Allen

***

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to

99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

-Joe Weinstein

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The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced

to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had

twins!"

The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who

do they look like?"

The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."

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Chatting with my mother-in-law I asked, "Have you heard of

this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one

and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to

the phrase 'family jewels.'"

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A Wise School Teacher

A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first

day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says

happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he

says happens at home."

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I’m Passing

A Wise School Teacher

A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first

day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says

happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he

says happens at home."

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16 COMMON COMMENTS MADE BY POLICE IN ORDER OF FREQUENCY.

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while.'

14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document.'

13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS.....

1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here.'

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Tattoos

When my brother-in-law was on leave from the Navy, he brought home a
heavily tattooed friend.

We all sat down to Sunday lunch and my four-year-old nephew couldn't
take his eyes off the man's colorful arms.

Curiosity finally got the better of him. Politely, he asked the
visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"

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Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the
ladies who bake for church events

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake
was horribly disfigured. she said, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake."

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new
church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom-a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then
covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked
perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice
woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake
had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified-she was beside herself.

Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and
would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose the fact Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of
her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a
prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."