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Dogs
** If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
** In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog to worship him and a cat to ignore him.
** Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
** Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
** When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
** Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time." - Willie Tyler
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Dolphin
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd por- poise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."
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From a preacher's list:
The population of this country is 237 million. 104
million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the
work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48
million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million
employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million
to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from
the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the
work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in
hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now,
there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves
just two people to do the work. You and me. No wonder
we're so tired.
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From JokesEveryDay:
Top Ten NOT Surprising Facts About The Average Parent
10. The average parent has eaten their weight in Girl
Scout cookies.
9. The average parent has at least two backup recipes
for play-doh.
8. The average parent has Pizza Hut on speed dial.
7. The average parent has prepared more than 10,000
servings of macaroni and cheese.
6. The average parent unconsciously hums at least
three children's show theme songs a day.
5. The average parent can take construction paper,
glue, pudding cups and aluminum foil and make a
delightful Thanksgiving centerpiece.
4. The average parent can produce from their
pocket/purse at least 12 legos, 3 hot wheels cars, and
a Barbie shoe at any given time.
3. The average parent has at least one child induced
stain on the clothing they are currently wearing.
2. The average parent secretly hopes that whoever
thought up 3 months for summer vacation gets
attacked by a pack of marauding wolverines.
1. The average parent knows that a suspiciously
sweet, "Mommy, I love you" means, "I have just
decorated your new headboard/carpet/dress/suit with
all your makeup."
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Think you know
everything?
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the
typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both
eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English
language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are
stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple. (For number 11....I
still say a child trying to say once, but with a lisp.
It is said wunth that rhymes with month. Perhaps no
single word rhymes with orange. But using poetic
license to use two words, (Which is acceptable),
someone could "duck OR CRINGE. Another would be
"whether town OR RANGE.What do you think? L.B.S.)
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room
during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one
syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language
which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous,
stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra
Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street
were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi
driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not
allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher
walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in
his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is (was -- now deceased) an ordained
minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed
with only the left hand. ...now you know
everything....You could be a TEENAGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN THIS BEFORE BUT I HAD TOO AND ... I LAUGHED AGAIN!
Subject: Maturity
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?--- I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're sure right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.---Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.---THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.