Saturday, March 31, 2007

hUMOR For March 31st

Fairest Tax?At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said."But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner. "Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

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"Priory Priority"
The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.
"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."
"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my PalmPilot in there."
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CleanQuote
"Always do right - This will gratify some and astonish the rest."- Mark Twain
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"Estates" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"
The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
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WORDS WOMEN USE

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument whenyou are right and you need to shut up.2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means halfan hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have justbeen given five more minutes to watch the game before helpingaround the house.3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This meanssomething and you should be on your toes. Arguments that beginwith Nothing usually end in Fine. (Refer back to #1 for themeaning of Fine.)4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbalstatement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means shethinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting hertime standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Referback to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statementsa women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants tothink long and hard before deciding how and when you will payfor your mistake.7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you -- do not question, or faint.Just say you're welcome.8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying NUTS TO YOU!9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerousstatement, meaning this is something that a woman has told aman to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This willlater result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman'sresponse to be nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning ofNothing.)Send this to the men you know, to warn them about argumentsthey can avoid if they remember the terminology.Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh. . . 'causethey know it's true.

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and goingback to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold themwhile you chop away.4. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat. Use the sink.5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never trust a fart.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.If you woke up breathing, congratulations!You get another chance.

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Ode to Fading Memory

My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, <>and Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, WHEE!The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say! "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke.