Time To Go
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on
the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the
ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."
- You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of
the milk carton.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your
mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW... He's from TX, so he ought to know...
Press release
The Texas Parks and Wild Life Department issued a
statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no
law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the
week-end. The TPWD spokesman noted that in Texas,
lawyers are not considered game creatures and thus not
subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It
further noted that Lawyer hunting is encouraged as the
state is overrun with the pesky creatures.
A local food critic said that contrary to rumor,
lawyers do not taste like chicken but more like pole
cat since that is their nature.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were
alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?"
might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dog Owner's Prayer
O Lord don't let me once forget
how I love my trusty pet.
Help me learn to disregard
canine craters in my yard.
Show me how to be a buddy
even when my sofa's muddy.
Don't allow my pooch to munch
postal carriers for lunch.
Shield my neighbor's cat from view—
guide my steps around the doo.
Train me not to curse and scowl
when it's puppy's night to howl.
Grant I shan't awake in fear
with a cold nose in my ear.
Give me patience without end—
Help me be 'A Dog's Best Friend'!