"If your mutt is always growling angrily, it must be because he's a cross breed."
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
These are some (allegedly)
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.
=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
=> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
=> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
=> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
=> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
=> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
=> "I am a rabid typist."
=> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
=> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
=> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
=> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
=> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
=> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
=> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
=> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
=> "Qualifications: No education or experience."
=> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
=> Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
=> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
=> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
=> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
=> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
=> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
=> "I am a rabid typist."
=> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
=> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
=> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
=> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
=> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
=> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
=> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
=> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
=> "Qualifications: No education or experience."
=> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
=> Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Another Train
Another Train
So, theres this girl standing on the rail road tracks jumping up and down saying, 22, 22, 22, 22, 22.....
and a blonde girl walked up and starred at her for a minute and a half. Then she got on the tracks behind the girl starts jumping up and down to the same beat as the brunette, saying 22, 22, 22, 22,..........
A train starts rapidly approaching, and the brunette gets off the tracks, but the blonde continues on jumping. The train comes and runs her over, and kills her, then the brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping again saying 23, 23, 23, 23...
So, theres this girl standing on the rail road tracks jumping up and down saying, 22, 22, 22, 22, 22.....
and a blonde girl walked up and starred at her for a minute and a half. Then she got on the tracks behind the girl starts jumping up and down to the same beat as the brunette, saying 22, 22, 22, 22,..........
A train starts rapidly approaching, and the brunette gets off the tracks, but the blonde continues on jumping. The train comes and runs her over, and kills her, then the brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping again saying 23, 23, 23, 23...
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Will Rogers
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...
neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...
neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
A small boy stunned his parents
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly.
"They have bowls of it."
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly.
"They have bowls of it."
The couple was 85 years old
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your crummy bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your crummy bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
The Computer's Swallowed Grandma
The Computer's Swallowed Grandma
The computer's swallowed Grandma Yes, honestly, it's true She pressed 'Control' and 'Enter' And disappeared from view.
It's devoured her completely The thought just makes me squirm Maybe she's caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the Recycle Bin And files of every kind I've even used the Internet But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves My searches to refine The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found 'Outline'
So, if inside your 'In Box' My Grandma you should see Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' herIn an e-mail back to me.
The computer's swallowed Grandma Yes, honestly, it's true She pressed 'Control' and 'Enter' And disappeared from view.
It's devoured her completely The thought just makes me squirm Maybe she's caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the Recycle Bin And files of every kind I've even used the Internet But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves My searches to refine The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found 'Outline'
So, if inside your 'In Box' My Grandma you should see Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' herIn an e-mail back to me.
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