At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast as the month after New Year's, and all through the houseNothing would fit me, not even a blouse.The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd tasteAt the holiday parties had gone to my waist.When I got on the scales there arose such a number!Then I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheeseAnd the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirtAnd prepared once again to do battle with dirt---I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chipEvery last bit of food that I like must be banished'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.I won't have a cookie--not ev! en a lick.I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---But isn't that what January is for?Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
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Report Card
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
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Chocolate is a Vegetable
Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to
protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.
Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it.