Higher Education
A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college. Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going. "Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages." "Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language." The dog says, "Meow ! "
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Movie Theater
Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?" "You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat. "Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.
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Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support
* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" * "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it." * "So -- what are you wearing?" * "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" * "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n." * "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." * "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery." * "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." * "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" * "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics." * "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
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An Airliner
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
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"Computer One Liners - Part 1"
Computer One Liners - Part 1
Hard Disk space: the final frontier!
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I know I'm supposed to back up my files, but I still haven't found reverse on my PC.
I was going to switch her to DOS, but she had a gun
I'll give up my Windows 3.1 when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed
Intel - still number 0.999873464508.
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Oneliner
"I had a muscle twitching yesterday - that's the most exercise I've had in years."
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CleanPun - "Family Furniture"
Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn't turn them back.
What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery.
Hours later, Dr. Dr. Mike Wilson, the surgeon emerged.
"How are they?" the magician asked.
"Comfortable."
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”InDUHviduals”
* I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.
* While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I colored my hair. He asked me what color.
* Last week my co-worker was traveling on business to a very small town. They found a restaurant in the phone book and asked the woman working at the hotel desk how to get there. The desk clerk told them all about it and gave them directions. After driving around for half an hour they could not find it. When they returned to the hotel, the woman at the hotel desk told them, "Oh, I forgot; they never did build that restaurant."
* I went shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy." I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."
* I went into a major retail establishment and asked an employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a flower bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"
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Learning to CookWe are fortunate our grand-children live close by and visit us often.When our seven-year-old granddaughter comes over, she loves to watch her grandmother when she is baking. "Grandma," she asked one day, "where did you learn how to cook?"Grandma told her that she learned from her mother and passed on this knowledge to her daughter. "Someday," she continued, "your mother will pass this knowledge along to you."There was a short silence. "No, I don't think so," she said. "Mom puts everything in the microwave."
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The Haircut
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing Community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' Card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the Barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community Service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'.
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing Community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the Shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the Citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
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Neutron in a Bar
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and say "For you, no charge."
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Kids Physics
Answers to questions provided by kids * Q: What is one horsepower? A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. * You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. * When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. * When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. * Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. * A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. * Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil. * Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. * We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. * I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. * Rain is saved up in cloud banks. * Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. * It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.