The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
+++++++++++++++++++
Judge-mental Lawyers
Judge not, want not – unless you’re a lawyer…
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
“You, attorney Memory, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hargraves, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Memory.
“Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Forgive me now, tomorrow I might not feel so guilty.
+++++++++++++++++++
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mother And Child"
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. ''What on earth,'' she inquired of the artist standing nearby, ''is that?''
He smiled condescendingly. ''That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.''
''Well, then,'' snapped the little old lady, "Why isn't it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Adventures of Ole & Lena
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart
And fell to the sidewalk.
Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk
On Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for
Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and
Said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them
To Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
Return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot
Let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
Load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any
Idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last
Year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How
Long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll
Yust take DA bus."
+++++++++++++++++++
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had
Charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your
Wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a
While I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know DA difference
Between a Norwegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he
Grumbled, "Vell, Deere gose five dollars down DA drain for dat
Flight insurance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if DA turn
Signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were
Nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling,
Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice
In the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering
His condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it?
Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like
To say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first
Five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O. K.
You put, Ole died ,. Boat for sale"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had
Brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long,
Dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun
Bite and vent blind!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks
Later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it "Oh," said Ole, "I
Persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't
Sing."
Ole and Len a went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench
A lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
+++++++++++++++++++
And dot's enough!!