Wednesday, April 30, 2008

hUMOR For April 30th

Swedes

OUR FAVORITE MINNESOTANS, OLE AND LENA, ARE AT IT AGAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator said 'Where are you?'
Ole answered, 'We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street .' The operator asked, 'How do you spell that?' The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, 'I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, 'Last year we shot six and the pilot
let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, 'Any idea where we are?' 'Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, 'How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?' 'Yust a minute,' said the busy clerk. 'Vell,' said Lena , 'if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, 'I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.' 'Vell, dat's fine, Judge,' smiled Ole. 'And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, 'Do ya know da difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?' 'No, I don't,' answered Ole. 'A canoe will sometimes tip,' explained Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, 'Vell, Deere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Lars: 'Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working.' Ole: 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to.' So Ole drove to Duluth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, 'You yust put 'Ole died.''
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, 'That's it? Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.' So Lena pondered for a few minutes and
finally said, ' OK. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. 'Have you eaten your banana yet?' Ole asked excitedly. 'No,' replied Lars. 'Vell, don't touch it den,' Ole exclaimed, 'I yust took vun bite and vent blind!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it 'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars. 'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet she can't sing.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, 'Are you a pole vaulter?' Ole replied, 'No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

And dat's enough!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Deacon's Minutes"

The newly elected secretary for the Deacon Board at church submitted this report:

October the something Deacon's meeting

Present was most of the deacons; one was absent.

Chairman Tad asked Luke to say something, and he did.

New officers were needed; some of us were arm twisted into taking the positions.

Some old business was remembered, and most of it had been approved. What wasn't was not important.

We tried to think of some new business, but it was decided that we're too old to be new.

Some of the deacons were getting tired so we decided to get out of the meeting.

(Secretary's note: I said I would type the meeting minutes; not that they would be worth a hoot!!)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Tail Whacker"

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat.

She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.

He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart."

She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked.

"Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

High Blood Pressure”

Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.

Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty, and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to appear too "green."

I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.

"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with his people. Great guy."

"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"

Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied, "O'Hara."

"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Mortgage Salesman

The phone rang and the lady picked it up... It
was a salesman from a Mortgage refinance company.
"Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," she replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any," she said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?รข€
 he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," she parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked,
"Are you looking for a Husband?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Rules For Managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic . 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hades.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Birthday Hint

It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow. When I asked her what she wanted, she hinted that something with diamonds would be nice. So I've bought her a packet of playing cards!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

hUMOR For April29th

A Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him
Like his mother used to do.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"They've just released a study that says in the next 30

years, there is a 97 percent chance that Southern California

will have an earthquake of magnitude 6.7 or greater. And

there's a 40 percent chance of either being run over or

attacked by Britney Spears. Things are pretty bleak."

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-

tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can."

-Dave Letterman

***

"The legendary Ferris Wheel from Santa Monica Pier has just

been put on e-Bay. On sale to the highest bidder. If you're

not from the L.A. area, the Santa Monica Ferris Wheel is an

L.A. institution. Like the Hollywood sign, the Chinese

Theater, or rehab." -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out-

side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf

ball driven down his throat was being treated.

"Is he a relative of your's?" the nurse asked the pacing

golfer.

"No...It's my ball."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the

neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear

and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their

sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.

"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ole Mac

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Management Quotes

A magazine recently ran a "management quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Won the Part

A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?"

The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."

His father congratulated him said “That’s good son. Maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Black Spots

"Doctor, doctor, I see black spots!" Billy exclaimed.

The doctor puts some drops in Billy’s eyes. "How about now?" he asked.

"Now I see the spots better," he replied.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Business Principles

There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds."

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."

Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"In this crazy world we live in, every 60 seconds a minute happens."

Monday, April 28, 2008

hUMOR For April 28th

Weird News

Neighbor shoots rooster

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in St. Petersburg, Fla., said a man shot a neighbor's rooster after he'd had his fill of the bird's crowing.

Some neighbors who heard several shots coming from outside their homes Saturday said they looked out their windows to see Eric Nicastro, 30, standing with a handgun over the body of the dead rooster, The St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported.

"I got him!" Nicastro allegedly said after shooting the bird.

The rooster belonged to a flock of chickens that roosted at neighbor James Dominic's house and were cared for by Britani Farley, 16.

"I broke down in tears," Farley said. "They're my pets."

Jim Bordner, a spokesman for the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office, said Nicastro threw the rooster's carcass into a nearby creek. Bordner said the state's attorney will decide on formal charges.

/////

Man accuses new wife of assault

CINCINNATI (UPI) -- A husband of five days appeared in a Cincinnati court and told the judge he fears for his life after his blushing bride allegedly beat him up.

Timothy Schaffer Jr. told the court after Crystal Whitaker, 25, was arrested Saturday that he fears his wife "very much," The Cincinnati Enquirer reported.

Whitaker is accused of striking Schaffer and threatening to kill him. She has been charged with domestic violence.

Schaffer said he has also been threatened by his wife's friends. He said Whitaker had applied for a passport and was planning a trip to Mexico.

Whitaker was jailed in lieu of $5,000 bond and ordered to steer clear of Schaffer.

/////

Graffiti artist pulls off CCTV stunt

LONDON (UPI) -- A London graffiti artist known only as Banksy managed to avoid detection as he created a large painting while being watched by CCTV, police said.

The painting -- created on a piece of scaffolding Banksy apparently erected behind a security fence above a central London post office -- depicted a security officer watching a young boy, with the caption, "One nation under CCTV," The Daily Mail reported.

"It was only on Sunday morning that the Post Offices guys realized what had happened," said a local businessman, Andrew Newman, 35.

The newspaper said the painted scaffolding was removed Sunday morning.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Heart Attack Special

One of the posh hotels in Las Vegas employs my sister-in-law as a room-service attendant.

During a medical convention at the hotel, she was preparing a breakfast order that consisted of fried eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns and a cheese danish.

"Now that's a heart attack waiting to happen," commented a passing co-worker.

"Yeah," my sister-in-law replied. "And believe it or not, it's just what the doctor ordered!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Air Boss"

Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.

Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty, and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to appear too "green."

I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.

"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with his people. Great guy."

"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"

Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied, "O'Hara."

"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"Through the years I've noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cold feet."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "Marriage Teachings"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Lost Wallet

While shopping in a supermarket I heard the following over the PA system:

"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains
no ID. Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the
customer service counter?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Teen inflates 213 balloons with his nose

BLAINE, Wash. (UPI) -- A 13-year-old Blaine, Wash., boy said he believes he has set a world record by inflating 213 balloons with his nose in the space of an hour.

Andrew Dahl, who credited playing the trumpet with giving him his lung strength, said Guinness World Records refused to certify his videotaped previous attempt at the feat, 184 balloons in an hour, because he did not tie the balloons himself, The Bellingham (Wash.) Herald reported Tuesday.

However, Dahl said this time he did all of his own tying, and the attempt was captured by multiple video cameras and witnessed by numerous friends and family. The teenager said he expects to hear back from Guinness within a few weeks regarding whether his latest attempt qualifies for the Book of World Records.

Dahl's father, Doug, said he measured each balloon after it was inflated to ensure it met the minimum diameter, 20 centimeters (about 7.9 inches) and the boy's mother, Wendy, kept a running tally of Andrew's nose-inflated balloons during the event.

The teen said he has been inflating balloons with his nose since he was 7-years-old.

"When we had barbecues or get-togethers I'd do it just to show that I could," he said.

/////

Company impressed with proposal hack

SEATTLE (UPI) -- Officials with a Seattle video game company said they were delighted rather than irked to hear of a man who reprogrammed their game for a wedding proposal.

Bernie Peng, of Jersey City, N.J., said he spent one month reprogramming his girlfriend's favorite game, "Bejeweled," to display a wedding ring and a marriage proposal when she achieved a high enough score, the (Newark) New Jersey Star-Ledger reported Tuesday. His girlfriend, Tammy Li, reached the high score and subsequently accepted the proposal.

Officials with PopCap, the company that created the game, said they usually take issue with their games being reprogrammed, but they were so impressed by Peng's story that they offered to pay for part of his wedding and offered to supply free copies of "Bejeweled 2 Deluxe" to guests at the August wedding.

"Most video game companies would frown on people manipulating their games," said PopCap spokesman Garth Chouteau.

"But it won him a woman," Chouteau said. "As a bunch of geeks we have to say, 'Bernie, hats off to you.'"

/////

Police billed after sign hit during chase

FLINT, Mich. (UPI) -- Police in Flint, Mich., said two officers were billed a total $170.62 by the county for damaging a sign during a car chase.

The Genesee County Road Commission billed Officers Joseph Hall and Clarence Banks $56.87 each after a guardrail and "signal ahead" sign were run over by the officers while pursing a stolen vehicle last November, WNEM-TV in Flint reported Tuesday.

Keith Speer, president of the Flint Police Officers Association, said the billing was unprecedented during his 22 years with the organization.

"I don't know who's going to pay for it, but our officers are not going to pay for it," Speer said. "It's ridiculous."

The suspect who allegedly drove the stolen car has also been billed $56.87 for the damaged property.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Child's Prayer

A Sunday school teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do

you all say your prayers at night?"

A little boy answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said the teacher. "And what does your mother say?"

The little boy replied, "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

Sunday, April 27, 2008

hUMOR For April 27th

New Apartment

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to
prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Driver's Test”

It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us--sirens wailing, lights flashing.

"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.

"No," said the officer. "But you are driving a stolen vehicle."

Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. "Does this mean I failed my test?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Deep Voice

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep

voice: DIG!

He looks around; nobody's there. "I am having

hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I

SAID, DIG!

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and

after a bit, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

OK, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock

with which to break the lock, and when the chest is finally

open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes

the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette

tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze

at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The

table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier

throws the ball.

The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: OOOPS!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fishing Advice

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything

all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of

fish. They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all

those fish?"

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream

until the water isn't salty, you will find a ton of hungry

fish."

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later,

one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with

water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope.

Still salty." Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check

again.

"Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope.

Still salty."

"This isn't good," one fisherman finally says. "We have been

walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Taxes were due today. I don't like writing the check. I

thought we were supposed to be passing the irresponsible

spending onto our grandchildren. What happened to that?"

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie

would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story

and said, 'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in

the mood for Chinese.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for

your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.

I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no

idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the

amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for

the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago),

but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for

her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed,

he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with

her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the

family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently

on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he

yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my

phone."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his

latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape.

His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking

little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and

taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-

nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over

12 hours ago."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Work Vs. Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Adopted Twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

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Minnesota Ghost

This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."

Saturday, April 26, 2008

hUMOR For April 26th

Illustration - "Prayer"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"

One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."

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Family Vacation

Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband
explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the
car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be
arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not
to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter
perked up. "Is it dark yet?"

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Werid News

Feral burros may be saved by collars

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Residents of Riverside County, Calif., are hoping to save hundreds of wild burros by equipping the animals with reflective collars, a former rodeo rider says.

Former rodeo rider Kim Terry says he and several neighbors think the reflective collars should make the animals more noticeable on busy roads at night, the Los Angeles Times reported.

Rhonda Leavitt said the collars are made from cheap belts, but they're not meant as a fashion statement.

"They don't care what they look like," she said. "And the belts reflect like you wouldn't believe."

Leavitt, 50, told the Times the burros are at risk when dry weather prompts them to search out new sources of water.

Riverside County Animal Control field services commander Rita Gutierrez told the Times the idea could save lives.

"It's a clever idea and it certainly can't hurt," she said.

////////

USC society wraps bike racks in cellophane

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Skull and Dagger, an honorary society at the University of Southern California, has wrapped every on-campus bike rack with cellophane, one member said.

Society members even wrapped up one campus cyclist, the Los Angeles Times reported.

"This one kid came up to us and yelled, 'You can't wrap up my bike!'" the anonymous Skull and Dagger member said. "He ended up getting wrapped up with his bike."

The prank targeted freshmen and sophomores with early-morning classes. One society member said the sleepy underclassmen were shocked.

"One kid was so sleepy he didn't even notice his bike was wrapped. He kept trying to pull it out," the member told the Times. "Once they realized what happened, they all took off running for class."

/////

Villages hope to black out millipedes

BALCHRICK, Scotland (UPI) -- People in three remote Scottish villages should try a World War II-style blackout in their war against inch-long invading millipedes, a property manager urges.

No one is sure why the millipedes have become so numerous recently. But in the last four years, thousands have appeared every spring in the villages on a tract of land owned by the John Muir Trust on the Sutherland coast, The Scotsman reports.

Cathel Morrison, land manager for the trust, said millipede experts suggest trying blacking out homes to deter the nocturnal insects.

The millipedes are harmless. They do not bite, spread disease or devour crops. And that is part of the problem. Authorities can offer little help in getting rid of them.

Experts say using thick curtains and dark shades to keep light from being visible through the windows after dark, might work because the millipedes are attracted to light. During the war, the blackout was imposed to keep British cities and towns invisible to German bombers.

Bridget Graham, the postmistress in Balchrick, said she plans to try it.

"I'll try anything," she said. "They are horrible. They start in April and last year they were still coming in in October."

/////

'Wayne's World' spindle up for sale

BERWYN, Ill. (UPI) -- The owners of Berwyn's Spindle in Berwyn, Ill., are putting the structure of skewered automobiles featured in the film "Wayne's World" up for sale.

Michael Flight of Concordia Realty, the firm that manages the shopping mall where the spindle is located, said the cost to remove it was so high the decision was made to put it up for sale on eBay, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

"The concrete isn't included. Just the cars and pole,'' Flight said. "If someone wants to buy it and give it a home, we're willing to sell it to them. Otherwise, we're planning on probably taking it down sometime this year."

The eBay listing starts the bidding at $50,000 and identifies it as "an internationally known roadside monument," in part for its appearance in the 1992 comedy.

Potential buyers beware -- the shipping costs for Berwyn's Spindle cold run as high as $100,000.

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Making Cents of Football

Cletus took Maynard to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's Bench. After the game, Cletus asked Maynard how he liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," he replied, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, Cletus asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I mean, come on... it's only twenty-five cents!"


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Family Business

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law.

"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

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Rude Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ”Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly upset now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it said.

“Yes?”

“You know.”

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New Tie

My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?

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"Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced this

week he will not accept the nomination for vice president.

That's what he said. He will not accept the vice presidential

nomination. To which the cashier at Wendy's said, 'You want

a frosty with this, mister? People are waiting.'" -Jay Leno

***

"In Florida, two 55-year-old women were arrested for robbing

banks while dressed as ninjas. If they're convicted the women

could be given 10 years in prison and a Lifetime movie of the

week." -Conan O'Brien

***

"It's tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States

government takes a third of your money. A third. My God,

it's like being married to Heather Mills." -David Letterman

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My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth

on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every

minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair

on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is

costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a book!"

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Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the

price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he

was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out.

"There's a dance over at the club," he said. "So what if one

of your eyes is made out of wood?"

"All right," said Dobbins, "but if anybody makes fun of my

eye I'm leaving."

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his

courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner.

She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

"She's worse off than me," Dobbins thought. "The least I can

do is ask her to dance.

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the

girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.

"Would I?!" she exclaimed.

"That does it," he shouted, "Hunchback! Hunchback!"

Friday, April 25, 2008

hUMOR For April 25th

Fairest Tax?

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state

tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation

they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a

white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll

tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.

"Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

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Listen Carefully

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. "This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

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Live and Learn

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.

"Sadness," he replied.

"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.

"Elation," he replied.

"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

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Have Some Perspective

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"

The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"

"No," says the bum.

The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"

Again the bum says, "No."

So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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Life's a Mess

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.

"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

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"According to his tax return, last year Vice President Dick

Cheney donated over $166,000 to charity. Most of the money

went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, 'Coal for Tots.'"

-Conan O'Brien

***

"Taxes are due Tuesday. I recommend this: At 11 o'clock

Tuesday night, take 20 minutes to make up a bunch of numbers.

Put them in an envelope; drive around until you find one of

those post offices that are open until midnight. No problem."

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bush

administration, your bank account is being liberated."

—Jay Leno

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"This year, there are some major changes that you, as a tax-

payer, should be aware of. This year, every taxpayer, living

or dead, must file two tax returns. One of these is your

regular tax return, which is for your regular federal govern-

ment headquartered in Washington, D.C. But you must also file

a shadow tax return, including a shadow tax payment.

"This is a top-secret operation that, according to The

Washington Post, has been set up in a heavily guarded, un-

disclosed location in the basement of the Big Boy restaurant

in Bismarck, N.D. The function of the shadow government is

to ensure that, even if the "unthinkable" happens, we, as

American citizens, will still have a central federal authority

with the ability and resources to provide us with a tax code.

"The shadow government is basically a scaled-down version of

the one in Washington, with everything necessary to continue

critical government operations, including lobbyists, an

exact working replica of Dick Cheney, a Starbucks, a five-

foot-high Washington monument, and a miniature "congress"

made up of gerbils wearing tiny suits who have been trained

to hold hearings and authorize the construction of unnecessary

highway projects named after Robert C. Byrd."

-Dave Barry

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One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked

up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from

the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his

pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot,

wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it

just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

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Time Management for School Assignments

SHORT TERM ASSIGNMENTS:

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner.

  • 15 minutes looking for the assignment.
  • 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
  • 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
  • 8 minutes in the bathroom.
  • 10 minutes getting a snack.
  • 7 minutes checking the TV guide.
  • 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
  • 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom and Dad to do the assignment.

LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS:

  • These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long term".
  • It is a long term commitment time that begins at 9:30 PM and ends no earlier than 11:50 PM.
  • It is important that the whole family is involved in the project.
  • It is imperative that at least one family member races to the store for poster board, and that at least one family member ends up in tears. (This does not have to be the student!)
  • One parent needs to stay up and complete the project, the other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
  • It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.

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"One Hard Question"

There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

The student was admitted to the University.

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CleanQuote

"Money talks, but credit has an echo."