COLONOSCOPIES
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Erhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all... 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"
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Start at the very beginning ...
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black." "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"
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A Deep Rooted Delusion
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
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For The Kids...
Which vampire tried to eat James Bond?Ghouldfinger! Why are vampires always worn out in April?Because they've just finished a long March of 31 days! What happened to the lazy skeleton?He was bone idle!
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walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the
counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I
asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."
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A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his
wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume
party."
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been
telling you for the last half hour that
I'll be ready in a minute!"
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"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
ball." - Jack Lemmon
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----------------------------------------------------------The ad that is inserted into this email is done automatically byYahooGroups as a condition of their free hosting the Good Clean Fun list.I have no control over any content of the advertisement.----------------------------------------------------------Found posted in a humor newsgroup (rec.humor.funny) -TomIf this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription toGood Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life.Just send an email to: mailto:good-clean-fun-subscribe%40yahoogroups.comor visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.kcbx.net/~tellswor/UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email.This email was scanned by F-Secure before it was sent.----------------------------------------------------------Note: This has been posted at the GCF web site since 1996 but it's a classic as far as I'm concerned so it deserves to be seen again.GCF: Hotel SoapThe following correspondence actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.Dear Maid,Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have bought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. BermanDear Room 635,I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as your requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid.Dear Maid,I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are also placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, DottyDear Mr. Berman,The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this AM that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any further complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Miss Carmen,It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6:00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,Your maid, Kathy has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8:00 AM and 5:00 PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Mr. Kensedder,My bath-sized Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-sized Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant ManagerDear Ms. Carmen,Who in the world left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-sized Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Ms. Carmen,Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-sizeIvory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstanding. S. Berman
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