Forgetful
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer
his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask
whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see,
I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I
put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or
what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I
really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone,
"Pay me in advance."
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"Famous Last Words"
* Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.
* Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
* Don't worry, it's not used any more.
* Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
* Yes of course the elastic is strong enough.
* I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.
* I thought it tasted rather strange.
* You have driven this before, haven't you?
* And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?
* It's OK, I saw them do it on TV.
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CleanQuote
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
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"Work"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced, "Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work."
An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement, "Resume all unnecessary work."
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A Florida officer pulled over an eighty-year-old teacher
because her hand signals were confusing.
"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then
you waved your hand up and down, then you turned left," said
the officer.
"I decided not to turn right," she explained.
"Then why the up and down?" asked the officer.
"Officer," she sniffed, "I was erasing!"
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I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the
utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house.
They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No
way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee
and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain
terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid
electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way
document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot
for the pole.
I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home
from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of
my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a
hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I
drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid
to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in
the middle of my driveway.
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I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain
things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this "slippage", I
went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.
After an hour I slipped out, I took the same course, given by the same
professor, last year.
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"'The Da Vinci Code' made $74 million over the weekend. It came in just
behind a gas station out in Queens." - Dave Letterman