The following are all replies that Dallas TX women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". Or putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms (truth be told??).
Number 11 takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. Number 5 gives new meaning to people from Virginia
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins. Child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.
8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time ... Well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
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There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her
six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?"
she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she
recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of
autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you
crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for
the rest of my life."
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Two Lawyers
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
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Expensive Operation
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
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Worms
Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail. Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave." Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me." Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh. Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate. So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!" Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
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For The Kids...
What did the slug say as he slipped down the wall?How slime flies! How do you know your kitchen floor is dirty?The slugs leave a trail on the floor that reads "clean me"! What do you do when two snails have a fight?Leave them to slug it out!
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A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the
world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work
endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light
years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
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I was flying between Toronto and Ottawa. It's only a 9 minute flight and so,
to save money, I flew with a small airline in a little, twin-engine plane.
About two minutes into the flight the pilot announced that we were going to
have to turn back due to some engine trouble.
The nervous passenger I was seated next to turned to me and said, "If we
loose an engine, how far do you think the other one will take us?"
I told him, "One engine? Oh, I'm sure it'll take us all the way to the scene
of the crash. Heck, we'll probably make good time too. I bet we beat the
paramedics there by at least a half hour."
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"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" - Satchel Paige
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HymnsThe minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river, and then all other forms of alcohol to be dumped into the river. The choir director's face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was "Shall We Gather At The River?"