Military Kittie
My housecat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't enlist because he would have to be de-furred.
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High School Reunion
My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated." She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to."
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Elephant Robbery
A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. "You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away." The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?" "What's the difference?" asked the jeweller. "Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears." "Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a stocking over his head."
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For The Kids...
How do ghosts learn songs?They read the sheet music! Why did Dracula go to the dentist?He had fang decay! What's the best way of seeing a witch?On the television!
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Two businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch. One of them says, "I have
a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the
circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could
let you have it for only $3,000."
The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do
with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I
can't even squeeze in an end table. So why would I buy an elephant?"
The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two
grand."
"Well then," said the other, "now you're talking!"
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Old Uncle Paddy passed away, and it was up to young Robert to wire the
message back home to Glasgow. The cheapest price he could find was ten words
for three dollars.
The message reads as follows: UNCLE PADDY DIED YESTERDAY. NO PAIN.
SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.
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Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $200
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Niece's Baby
I was in a public bathroom when I heard a woman talking to
her friend.
"... Yeah, so my niece just had her baby, and in the
excitement of it all, I admit I neglected it. And then I had
to go to New Mexico for my brother's wedding. I hired the
kid across the street from me to take care of it, and to
make sure it gets water a few times every day. It's just
been getting so hot outside! Anyways, when I come home, I
open the gate to my front yard, and there it is, in the most
sickly condition ever, dying! It never got any water at all,
for two weeks!"
I'm sitting there, horrified, thinking of some poor and
dehydrated animal, when the woman says, "I'm never letting
that kid take care of my lawn ever again!"
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A goober got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Goober separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Goober at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, sir" said Goober, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a better Job."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"
Goober replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."
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CleanQuote
"People will pay more to be entertained than educated."- Johnny Carson
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"Parenting" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
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BoyfriendsA good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.Talking to one of my daughters one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home."You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
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A Tried and Trusted Employee
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
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For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I ve lost my memory!When did this happen?When did what happen? Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber bandWhy don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it! Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liarI can't believe that!