The Game WardenThe Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license. "This is last year's license," the warden informed him."I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year."
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Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the
doorman without tipping him.
Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and
said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the
way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."
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Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't
take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital
for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had
managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the
skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma
spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's
that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the
interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern
replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around
here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and
switch it on herself."
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"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's
great invention had been directed at printing only comic books." - Robert M.
Hutchins
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My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, and Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say! "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE???
Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!!!!
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25 Signs that you have finally grown up:1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you to go bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up". 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up". 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@#! kids next doorwon't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning ofone. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms andpregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going todrink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate theminstead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?" Bonus: 26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign thatdoesn'tapply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then youforward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it &do the same.
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"Work Confusion"
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what on earth are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick
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CleanQuote
"Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple."- Barry Switzer
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Vain Religion" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."