hUMOR For May 27th

Weird News

State doesn't laugh at funny stop signs

OAK LAWN, Ill. (UPI) -- The mayor of Oak Lawn, Ill., said he wishes the state hadn't made him take down comical messages he posted under stop signs around town.

The Illinois Department of Transportation made Mayor Dave Heilmann remove comments such as "and smell the roses" and "means that you aren't moving" from underneath 50 Oak Lawn stop signs, the Chicago Tribune reported.

Heilmann was ordered to take down the comments after receiving a letter from the department April 17, seven months after he began posting them as part of a public safety campaign to reduce speeding.

"I thought that was a very harsh response to an effort to promote safety. I truly believe the signs were making an impact," Heilmann told the newspaper.

The department said the funny slogans went against the federal Manual on Uniform Traffic Control Devices and Oak Lawn could face cuts for federally funded projects if they weren't taken down.

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Court transcribers can't handle Scottish

EDINBURGH, England (UPI) -- Some Scottish lawyers complain that court transcripts are riddled with errors because the English company hired to make them can't handle the Scottish accent.

Donald Findlay, a queen's counsel or lawyer who can represent the government in court, told The Scotsman the transcriptions are "bloody awful."

"They know nothing of the local topography, which leads to some amazing phonetic translations of places," he added. "I would have thought it's not beyond the wit of man to check place names on the Internet."

The Scottish Court Service in 2006 designated Mendip Media Service, a company based in Devon, at the other end of Britain, to make transcriptions. Mendip blames the transcription problem on poor quality recording equipment used in Scottish courts but said it has also been using Scottish transcribers as much as possible.

Poll: Everyday civility declining in Utah

SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) -- Residents of Utah are growing increasingly concerned that everyday civility is in decline, a poll indicated.

The Deseret Morning News said Sunday a poll it conducted with KSL-TV indicated most Utah residents believe civility in their state has declined during the past decade.

The Dan Jones & Associates survey of an unspecified number of people found that 67 percent of respondents said civility had declined, while 11 percent said civility had improved in Utah.

When asked in what ways civility declined, more than 90 percent of those who saw a problem cited cell-phone use, language and driving as the most troublesome violations of civility.

The Morning News said other problem areas included table manners, dress, e-mails and customer service.

P.M. Forni of Johns Hopkins University said such problems are rarely addressed in normal society.

"People, in general, in surveys see the problem but very seldom do they see themselves as part of the problem," said Forni, who heads up the university's Civility Project.

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Elderly blind man bowls perfect 300

ALTA, Iowa (UPI) -- An elderly blind man says he wasn't nervous and felt like a pro when he bowled a perfect game in front of a crowd at Century Lanes in Alta, Iowa.

Dale Davis, 78, a legally blind man nicknamed "The Hammer," made headlines when he rolled a 300 while bowling with his league, CBS News "The Early Show" reported.

"I didn't feel nervous. My hand was a little sweaty, but other than that, I wasn't really nervous. I just thought, 'Good Lord, let me throw a couple or three more good balls' ... and I got the help, I guess," he said.

It is reported Davis has had macular degeneration for 10 years, an incurable eye disease that has caused him to lose vision entirely in one eye and partially in the other.

"It was quite a thrill. For just a few minutes there, I felt like a pro," Davis said.

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Dog owners flock to Fashion Island

NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. (UPI) -- A high-end outdoor mall in Newport Beach, Calif., has become an increasingly popular place for dog lovers as stores in Fashion Island welcome canines.

The dog-friendly mall in California's Orange County is a paradise for pooches of all kinds, as owners are allowed to browse freely with their pets through up-scale shops, the Los Angeles Times reported Sunday.

"Dogs have become the new kids. You tend to spoil them," said Kathy Jones, manager of Muttropolis, a fancy pet store on Fashion Island.

Some dog lovers say all malls should be as welcoming as Fashion Island when it comes to allowing canines indoors.

"Everybody loves dogs" said Fashion Island shopper Joey Magazzu. "They need more places like this where you can bring your dog."

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"Young Patient"

A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.

One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?"

Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

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CleanQuote

"It's okay to have nothing to say unless you're talking."

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Illustration - "Stress"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

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In School

Vernie, had just started school. His teacher commented to Vernie that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did
all day while he was in school.

"Cartwheels," Vernie answered.

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One of the single girls in the office came in one morning

and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue

ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a

diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy,"

she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"

***

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past

a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing

there called after him, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like

a man."

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Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were ex-

pecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me

at work all the way from Japan with the news of my grand-

child's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned

to relate it all to my co-workers.

"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she

weighs five pounds."

"When was she born?" someone asked.

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the

calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"

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A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told

him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a

dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-

or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever

printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million

dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything

close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all

over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."

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Henpecked

Amanpreet was henpecked. He was seeing a psychiatrist about the problem. The doctor told him, "You don't have to let your wife bully you! Go home and show her you're the boss!"

Preet got home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from ME! When I get home from now on, I want my supper ON the table.

"I want you go right NOW and lay out my clothes. I'm going out with the boys.

"And YOU'RE going to stay home where you belong. Another thing, you know who's going to tie my tie?"

Preet's wife replied calmly, "The undertaker?"