SIGNS YOU'RE AT A STRANGE BAPTISM SERVICE
9. The Coast Guard is involved.
8. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
7. Pastor wears scuba gear.
6. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."
5. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River"
instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"
4. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't
know about that drop-off!"
3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and
wrestles the preacher into submission.
1. Two words: Alka Seltzer
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A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would
like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's
henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't
want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months
everybody gave.
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"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right." -
Isaac Asimov
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Little Vernie's Numbers
Mrs. Rath asked little Vernie if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "My dad taught me." "Good! Can you tell me what comes after three." "Four," answers little Vernie. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says Mrs. Rath. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says little Vernie.
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An engineer & a frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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An engineer & a frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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For The Kids...
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?The cat are her! How do ghosts keep fit?By regular exorcise! What did the cannibal make of her new friend?A hotpot!
For The Kids...
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?The cat are her! How do ghosts keep fit?By regular exorcise! What did the cannibal make of her new friend?A hotpot!
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"Service for One"
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."