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*Ten Things A Cat Thinks About*
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have alterior motives?
5. Hmmm... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!
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*Ten Things A Cat Thinks About*
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have alterior motives?
5. Hmmm... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!
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Thanks to L.M. and B&B H for this one:
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard all summer building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the wet cold.
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MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and lays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome".
Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
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Thanks to JLH: FOOLISH QUESTIONS
The following is a "top ten" list of silliest questions asked on a cruise ship. They were collected in 1998 by Paul Grayson, cruise director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.
10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day. The question asked:
If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
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Thanks to LBS:
An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a donkey from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day. However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news: The donkey died." "Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the donkey asked, "Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece
and made a profit of $898." "Didn't anyone
complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
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From a friend: Flying Chips
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska.
Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.
"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?"
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."
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(This might be lost on the younger readers.....)
GCF: New Wine
There are many "pinot" wines on the market: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and
Pinot Grigio are but a few.
There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a
new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of
trips an older man has to make to the bathroom during the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.