Miracle Car
The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for the weekend with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home. That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad's car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16 year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared.
After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening. When they got back to the car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car - someone must have bumped into the car and drove off.
Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panelbeater/spraypainter to fix their dad's car. Finally they found one who said they must have the car at his house early next morning. The car was fixed properly and they parked it back in the garage that afternoon.
Their parents returned the next day but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge,
"A miracle has happened! A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is fixed without a scratch!"
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"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three
requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking,
all is lost." --Gustave Flaubert
***
"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough
leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."
--George Bernard Shaw
***
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of
people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."
--Bernard Bailey
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I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to
my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an
R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son's
eyes. "He shouldn't see this."
"It's okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it's
the Food Network."
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There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to
fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard
about it up in
was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to
the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they
got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and
said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions,
but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all
the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he
asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat
in the water yet."
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Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker is a Hacker
- You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000
- He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years in a row
- When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex
- Seems strangely calm whenever the office network goes down
- Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work
- Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
- Massive retirement savings plan contribution made in half-cent increments
- Online dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among interests
- When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
- You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now.
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"Foot Snuggle"
On a chilly winter evening, my husband and I were snuggled together on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave my foot a gentle squeeze.
"Mmmmm," I said. "That's so sweet."
"Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote."
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CleanQuote
"Sin wouldn't be so attractive, if the wages were paid immediately."
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Illustration - "Innocence"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A young girl of 4 was told she needed an X-ray after an accident. Her mother tried to calm her down, but she was still nervous when the time came for the X-Ray. When she came out of the X-ray room, however, she seemed relaxed and just fine. "They took a picture of my bones." she told her mother.
"Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go all right?"
"Yeah," said the girl. "It was great! I didn't even have to take my skin off, or anything!"
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Answering Machine
"Thank you for calling Adventures in Telephoning Unlimited. If you
wish to leave a message for Carol, please press 1. If you wish to
leave a message for Marge, please press 2. If it's Kristin you're
calling, please press 3. If none of these names make any sense to
you, you've probably called the wrong number. In that case, please
press 4 and leave a message for Nick, he's feeling ignored."
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County: Get lifeguard for wading pool
Lourdes Maxwell said she has been putting the small pool out in her yard at the start of summer for more than 20 years for her children, grandchildren and neighborhood kids to play in, The Daily Mail reported Tuesday.
However, she said the city council issued a health and safety edict ordering her to empty the pool after she wrote the council to seek permission for a larger pool outside her house. Maxwell said she contacted her member of Parliament, who convinced the city to allow Maxwell to keep the pool, provided she pays for insurance and has lifeguards watching the pool at all times.
"I asked around for insurance and they just laughed at me. No one offers insurance for paddling pools," Maxwell said. "I'm always there to supervise but they're trying to tell me I need lifeguards for a kiddies' pool as well -- it's crazy."
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Woman jailed for blasting music
ACCRINGTON , England (UPI) -- A British woman has been sentenced to 90 days imprisonment for violating a court order that banned her from blasting Madonna music late at night.
Tracey Kirby, a 33-year-old mother of three, was found to have violated the anti-social behavior order 11 times by disturbing neighbors with loud selections from the work of her favorite singer, the Daily Mail reported Tuesday.
"This is the best news we've had in ages," said next-door neighbor Dave Schofield, who said the music frequently disturbed him, his girlfriend and his 11-year-old daughter.
"It's just a shame it's not for longer ... . We just hope that she will learn her lesson, otherwise she will be straight back doing the same thing," he said. "It's just been a complete nightmare living next door to this woman."
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Sausage festival sets record
Tim Metcalfe, one of the organizers, said the 2004 record of 189,432 brats was beaten when a "huge dinner rush" near the end of the festival led to 10,000 brats being sold in a single hour, The (
"The stage bands got up and said, 'If everybody buys one brat right now, we can break this record,'" Metcalfe said. "I think everybody just had one more."
Metcalfe estimated the bratwurst celebration raised more than $100,000 for the charities chosen by volunteer servers.
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YouTube leads to tagger bust
LOS ANGELES (UPI) --
Los Angeles Sheriff's Department deputies allege Cyrus Yazdani, who goes by the name "Buket," appears in several YouTube videos defacing signs and buses with spray paint, the Los Angeles Times reported Tuesday.
Sheriff's officials said Yazdani, 24, was arrested when he showed up to meet with his probation officer Tuesday and was expected to be charged with multiple charges of felony vandalism.
Yazdani is believed to be responsible for $150,000 in property damage, authorities said.
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The Children Are Our Future
This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.
1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.