The CaddyAfter a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddy and said, "You must be the absolute worst caddy in the world!""No, I don't think so," said the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
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Kid Wisdom
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
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Big ethical dilemma
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
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Fighting Mood
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
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Golf Problem
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
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"Military Man"
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
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CleanQuote
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."- H. L. Mencken
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"Expert Testimony" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Arthur C. Clarke, who wrote the science fiction novel 200l: A Space Odyssey, was also a scientist. He received a telegram from newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst demanding, "Is there life on Mars? Cable one thousand words."
Clarke wired back: "Nobody knows. Repeat five hundred times."