"Dog Weather"
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The Cat
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If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline.
You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting
experience. There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and
22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft. Everyone is
responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering
and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your
flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this
Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will
Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin
pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that
nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those
back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of
turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of
at 2000 feet. Sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while
you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we
forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against
us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they
may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the
pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and
if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the
side of your head.
We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the
coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going
to be real upset and I am not kidding!
Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these
gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or
pretty close. Amen."
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"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch
and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right
now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties . . .
Jerry had married a woman from Utah, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmy had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He reported to the guys that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
God Bless Texas Women
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Dan’s quick … my older brother Dan, that is!
TEACHER: Dan, go to the map and find North America .
DAN: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Dan.
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TEACHER: Dan , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
DAN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Dan, how do you spell "crocodile?"
DAN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
DAN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Dan, what is the chemical formula for water?
DAN: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DAN: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Dan, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
DAN: Me!
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TEACHER: Dan, why do you always get so dirty?
DAN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Dan, give me a sentence starting with "I."
DAN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Dan..... Always say, "I am."
DAN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
DAN: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Dan, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
DAN: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Dan , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DAN : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Vern, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
VERN: My brother Dan.