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Skiing Experience
Miss the experience of skiing? Try the following to get that feeling back.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in bad weather and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday.
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You can really tell when you've grown up. It's the day that you can sit down and have a truly hearty laugh -- at yourself."
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Compromise and Adjustment
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags thatsay: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
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Dawson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
Dawson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
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First Time in Church
The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with
her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church.
"I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long."
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My wife, who is blonde
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I
didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought,
what the heck and I started jumping up and down along
with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news
for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so
happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing
heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she
told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and
kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I
couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more." I asked,
"What do you mean, more?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we
are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to
Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test
kit and both tests came out positive!"
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Anesthesiology Bill
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."