Analytical Gunfighters
Two analytical chemists in the Wild West are on the town's main
street, ready to draw their weapons.
One says: "Don't MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% Lead, 1%
Antimony, 0.98% Cobalt, and 0.02% elements below their detection levels!"
The other one says: "HOLD on there, cowboy. Are those values CERTIFIED??"
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A Deep Voice”
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around; nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after a bit, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
OK, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to break the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: OOOPS!
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Weird News
Biffy seeks to replace toilet paper
Warren Smith, who invented the contraption and founded the American Biffy Co., said his product is designed to clean backsides more efficiently than toilet paper or standalone bidets.
"Using toilet paper to clean our bottoms is like trying to clean dishes with a paper towel," Smith said. "Our product provides a practical and more natural way to be clean, while reducing an average family's toilet paper consumption by up to 75 percent."
The Biffy mechanism hides under the toilet seat and sprays and antibacterial concoction from a nozzle that is placed to suit the user's preference.
"The water needed to operate a Biffy is nominal compared to the amount of toilet paper that is saved," Smith said. "When you look at the best option for the environment, there really is no comparison."
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Art student creates simulated bedmate
Drew Burrows told the New York Post that "In Bed" is a comment on loneliness. The project involved a mattress along with a computer and projector to provide the woman.
"It's really G-rated," Burrows said.
"It's based on the idea that you're coming home to an empty bed or coming home to someone sleeping in bed who is either excited or not so excited about joining you. It works on all those different levels. "The aim is to touch on those feelings of loneliness and intimacy."
Burrows is a graduate student at the
Natsuki Arai, a professional dancer and friend of the artist, was the model for the sleeping brunette.
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Knife skills give man breath of fresh air
Steve Wilder, 55, performed the do-it-yourself operation after he awoke unable to breathe, ABC News reported Tuesday. Wilder, concerned about whether the rescue squad would reach him in time, raced to his kitchen, found a steak knife, then made a slit through his throat so air could pass through his windpipe unobstructed.
It's not like the 55-year-old truck driver hadn't done the procedure before. He did the same thing in 2006 when he thought he couldn't breathe.
"I did what I did the first time. I took a knife and opened it up," Wilder told ABC. "I did it to save my life."
The problem began after Wilder underwent radiation treatment for throat cancer four years ago.
His doctor, Paul Sherrerd, has placed a permanent tube in Wilder's throat to help him breathe when needed.
"As crazy as it sounds," Sherrerd said of Wilder's emergency operation, "it probably wasn't the craziest thing to do."
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A Simple Explanation of Baseball"
This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.
When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.
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Oneliner
"If houseplants ever take over the world, I'm probably going to be sitting in shackles at their version of the
- Tim H. Richweis
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CleanPun - "Pink Elephant"
A pink elephant is a beast of bourbon.
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Clearing Out
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock cricket game.
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Advice
On a flight to
Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
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Sausages
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
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Deadly Food
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes that there are germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"
"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." said the dietitian.
The man lowered his head and responded, "Wedding cake?"
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Passport Photo
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo.
As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to
the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told
her.
"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this
one."
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"Obama is expected to clinch the majority of the delegates,
but there are delegates, superdelegates, pledged delegates,
Lemon-Pledge delegates and, of course, the farmer and the
delegates." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Starbucks announced they are going to do away with their
topless mermaid logo. For what they charge for a cup of
coffee it should be served by a topless mermaid." -Jay Leno
***
"The music producer Lou Perlman was sentenced today to 25
years in prison. That's outrageous! He's the guy who created
In Sync and the Backstreet Boys. I would have given him the
chair." -Craig Ferguson
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Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted
with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.
"What are you laughing at?" asked Walter.
"There's a big black smudge on your face," said the girl.
"Oh, that!" said Walter. "That's easy to explain. I saw my
wife off on a month's vacation this morning; I took her to
the station and kissed her good-bye."
"But what about the smudge?"
"As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine."