"Formula Cheat"
During an examination, the student was not able to answer the question so he copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'.
He didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer to 'timber(1+x)'.
+++++++++++++++++++
Berle MarriagesIn 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?"Because," Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
Fair Play
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cafeteria Food
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Famous Civil War battle sites
A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. “Here,” he points out at one spot, “is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers.” A tourist says, “Didn't the North ever win a battle?” “Yes, ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Ski Trip
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed
a bad habit. Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would
yank it down.
Drastic action was called for.
I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it
off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out
a large wash and left to do some errands.
When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard. On the
line was the white kitchen towel.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on
it. They are:
a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into
it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!
Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.
I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring
you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.
+++++++++++++++++++
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
+++++++++++++++++++
Prayer
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
+++++++++++++++++++
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood...
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
+++++++++++++++++++
Impressions
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Maserati
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down. Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed. I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?" There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really
begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely
exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there
earlier."
+++++++++++++++++++
The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the
yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing
to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.
"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."
"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap,
and the van's causing everyone to slow down."
+++++++++++++++++++
Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy?