Hearing Request
During a revival meeting, an evangelist asked the people in line what
they needed.
One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his
finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and then asked him,
"How's your hearing now?"
He said, "I don't know - it's next Tuesday."
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Thanks to PW: The Baptist Barber Shop
After forty years of shaving himself every morning, a
man in a small Southern town decided he had enough.
He told his wife that he intended to let the local
barber shave him from now on. He went to the shop,
which was owned by the pastor of their Baptist church.
The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day so she
performed the task.
Grace shaved him, sprayed him with lilac water and
said, "That will be $20." The man thought it a bit
high, but paid the bill and went to work. The next
morning he looked in the mirror and his face was just
as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop
the day before."Not bad," he thought. "At least I
don't need to get a shave every day."
The next morning the man's face was still smooth. Two
weeks later, still smooth. It was more than he could
take, so he returned to the barbershop. "I thought $20
was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife,"but
you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks
and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."
"Of course they haven't," she replied.
"You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always
shaved."
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Thanks to WS: More Yogi-isms...
"You can't think and hit at the same time."
"Nobody goes there; it's too crowded."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my
hands."
"We were overwhelming underdogs."
"The other team could make trouble for us if they
win."
"It's never happened in World Series history, and it
hasn't happened since."
"It's deja vu all over again!"
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"If people don't come to the ballpark, how are you
gonna stop them?"
"If you ask me a question, I don't know I'm not going
to answer."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump...I just ain't hitting."
"It was hard to have a conversation with anyone, there
were too many people talking."
"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you
travel."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"We're lost, but we're making good time."
"If the world were perfect it wouldn't be."
"If I didn't wake up I'd still be sleeping."
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Thanks to TC: Agreement is Dangerous
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when
they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and
unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an
American Marine in similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid
was given to both men, the squad leader asked the
injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving
north along the highway here, and coming south was a
heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both
took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable,
lowlife, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy
is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean spirited woman!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does
Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the
road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Three worms were placed into separate jars.
1. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
2. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
3. The third worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the
following results:
1. The first worm in alcohol - DEAD.
2. The second worm in cigarette smoke - DEAD.
3. The third worm in good, clean soil - ALIVE.
So the minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn
from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and
said, "As long as you drink or smoke, you won't have worms!"
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"Pain Management"
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.
Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.
Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"
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CleanQuote
"Everybody wants to save the earth; few want to help Mom do the dishes."
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"Speaking the Truth"
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.
"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
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City Fisherman
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.