Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
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Library Confusion
The college football player knew his way around the locker room
better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the
gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she
could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind." -Jay Leno
"I was homeschooled, which meant that I had to bully myself."
-Dave Letterman
"There is a company in Los Angeles that's selling a bottle of water for $2,600. You know what's just as ridiculous? A $2 bottle of water." -Jimmy Fallon
While I was dining out with my children, a friend of my neighbor, who recognized us, came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we homeschooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.
I said, "No, I also work... but out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.
"He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me and said, "You don't get out much, do you?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower."
My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."