In the Pet Store 1
"As I was walking through a variety store, I stopped at the pet
department to look at some parakeets. In one cage a green bird lay on
his back, one foot hooked oddly into the cage wire. I was about to
alert the saleswoman to the bird's plight when I noticed a sign taped
to the cage: 'No, I am not sick. No, I am not dead. No, my leg is not
stuck in the cage. I just like to sleep this way.'"
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"Construction Noise"
During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending a music festival. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on.
Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction.
As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read "Silent Auction."
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Oneliner
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Grenade"
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France resulted in "Linoleum Blownapart."
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I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we
sing "Silent Night." Age 5
I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli
either. Age 7
I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they
stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12
I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should
try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly
glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I learned that silent company is often more healing than
words of advice. Age 24
I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's
great pleasures. Age 26
I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have
followed me there. Age29
I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I
must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30
I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just
don't know how to show it. Age 42
I learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending
them a little note. Age 44
I learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the
greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems
today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age
48
I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits
for hours. Age 49
I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away
from the phone. Age 50
I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51
I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a
medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52
I learned that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I learned that making a living is not the same thing as
making a life. Age 58
I learned that if you want to do something positive for your
children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61
I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age
62
I learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers
mitt on both hands.You need to be able to throw something
back. Age 64
I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your
work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can,
happiness will find you. Age 65
I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I
usually make the right decision. Age 66
I learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be
one. Age 82
I learned that every day you should reach out and touch
someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm
hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 90
I learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92