The Gas Men
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
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"We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's
what he descends to that shames the human race." --Mark Twain
***
"When a man says he approves of something in principle, it
means he hasn't the slightest intention of carrying it out
in practice." --Otto von Bismarck
***
"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own short-
comings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather
engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects
in other people's characters." --Margaret Halsey
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My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen
about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest
historical event that happened during your childhood?"
"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"
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Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for
everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems
you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"
Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the
city to go around and remove all the money from parking
meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the
round.
Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and
says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over
having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be
when you get your paycheck!"
Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his
face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket,
and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' -
She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. Dan does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. Dan is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
4. Dan does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
5. DAN is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
7. Dan does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' -
He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8. It's not Dan's 'CRACK' you see
hanging out of Dan's pants - it's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
You Know You're a Mom When ...
You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
Your kid throws up and you catch it.
Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a
plate without anything touching.
Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of
Grand Central Station and you do it.
You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast
into the shape of a gun.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
You hate the thought of his wife even more.
You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.
You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say,
"NOT in your good clothes!"
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then
spend half the night checking on the kids.
You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job",
but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.