A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race
appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had
children and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom,
how is it possible that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told
you about my side of the family and your father told you
about his."
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Jake is five years old and learning to read. He points to a
picture in a zoo book and says, "Look, Mama! It's a frickin'
elephant!"
Deep breath... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"
and so it does... "A f r i c a n Elephant."
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
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Did God Make You?
As grandmother Schar looked on from her rocker, grandfather Dan and granddaughter Nikki were sitting and talking when the young lady asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," Dan answered.
A few minutes later, the girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the old man answered.
For a few minutes, the cute young lady seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
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There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY,
people were always wingin wong numbers
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Dangerous Dog
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he
noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."
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Hospital Fun
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
Peter said, “But I could be dead by then!”
Receptionist replied, “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment. “
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Crossbreeding
An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from
Report from
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Birthday Message
A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says, "Put 'You're not getting older,' at the top and 'You're getting better' at the bottom."
The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You're not getting older at the top, You're getting better at the bottom."
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Cheap Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.”
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
“Hi, Keith!”
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"Charlie Sheen is getting married. This will make wife number
three for him. Somebody should tell him you don't need to get
married to have a bachelor party." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I was going to get my mom something special for Mother's
Day, but then I realized she's already going to get that
economic stimulus check." -David Letterman
***
"The other day in
and he bowled a perfect game. Of course, no one had the heart
to tell him he was in a supermarket." -Conan O'Brien
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A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery
and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today,"
she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"
One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the
Garden of Eden?"
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A peculiar posting appeared one day on the company bulletin
board. It read: Used tombstone for sale. Ideal for Person
Named "Murphy."
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Weird News
Mom sues after kid steps in poo
NORWALK, Conn. (UPI) -- An attorney for Norwalk, Conn., says a mother's suit against the city for her toddler's shoes being ruined by dog poo is among the most frivolous he's seen.
City Attorney M. Jeffry Spahr said Kelly DeBrocky of
"I had to read it twice," Spahr said. "Immediately, what I did was say, 'You're not going to believe this one.' It was hilarious. What are these people thinking about? Just when you think you've heard it all."
DeBrocky defended he suit.
"I was just really skeeved, I thought the whole thing was disgusting," she said. "We had to pay for admission to the aquarium and my son had no shoes and it made the entire experience awful."
"The official response is her claim is denied and poop happens," said Spahr.
///
Woman fired over 16-cent doughnut
Nicole Lilliman, 27, was summoned to the office of the Tim Hortons franchise Wednesday and told video surveillance had caught her giving the child a Timbit -- a tablespoon-sized solid doughnut on Monday, the London Free Press reported Thursday.
"It was just out of my heart -- (the child) was pointing and going 'ah, ah'," she said. "I should have gone to my purse and got the change, but it was busy."
She said the three managers who summoned her fired her for theft and told her she had to sign the accusation before leaving.
She told the newspaper Timbits are routinely given away to dogs in cars at the drive-through window. Tim Hortons district manager Nicole Mitchell told the Free Press those cases involve "day-old and recycled" Timbits.
"Employees aren't allowed to give out free products and that's the bottom line," she said.