Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his
mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially
when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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Mom's Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade
tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine
patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids
(in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that
don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming
toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a
waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing
talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind
the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,
"Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one
potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I
could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making
the In-law's house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a
few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be
too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my
conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
visit your group on the web, go to:
X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops...
A young executive was working late, trying to impress
his boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., he
found the CEO standing in front of the document
shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document, and my secretary left hours ago.
Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. Excited with
the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't know
what I would have done without you."
As his paper disappeared inside the machine the
relieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vern & Dottie Allen
* Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.
* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and precious
promises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit."
* Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well
as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three
previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management
as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.
- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that
arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain operation.