Wednesday, December 12, 2007

hUMOR For Dec 12th

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Playing House

A little girl and little Vernie were playing in the yard. The girl
approaches the Vernie and says, "Hey Vernie, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Vernie. "I have
no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

What's In a Name?

A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!"
Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian'. I'm your mother, you know."
"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Gasoline TankOn my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them."What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked."It would go out," he replied in a very factual manner."Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?""No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

My son took his two-year-old boy, Gavin, fishing. He baited
a worm on to Gavin's hook and tossed it out into the water.
After a long time with no bites, he had Gavin reel in and
my son tossed it back out. This was repeated several times,
no bites. Some other people had caught some fish, but Gavin
had nothing.

Finally it was time to go, they reeled in for the last time.
Gavin looked at the worm and stated matter of factly, "I
think my worm is defective."

-Clarence Calkins

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

A few years ago I was standing in the check-out line of a
local clothing store with my then six year old daughter.
While I was writing the check to pay for my purchase, my
daughter began tugging on my jacket.

"Daddy," she said softly.

"Yes baby?" I answered her.

"Do you smell something?" she asked innocently.

"No, I don't," I replied.

She got this evil little grin on her face as she said,
"You will."

-Dennis Weiskircher

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

My aunt's young family with two boys ages 3 and 4, had
attended church one spring morning.

As they left the church the pastor said, "Well, look at
you boys, all bright eyed & bushy tailed!"

Joe the older boy loudly announced, "We don't got tails;
we've got Dinkys!"

My aunt was mortified.

-Patty Bauman

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

What's the Time?
Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Contemplating Cats
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Lovely Girl
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. “Turn the car around,” he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished. “Driver,” said the major, “you'd be a total loss in an emergency.” “I thought I did pretty well,” the driver said. “That was my girl.”

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Stewardess Announcement

A few years ago, I landed at the Honolulu airport and the
stewardess made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed at Honolulu and in a
few minutes we will be at the gate. In order to prevent any
injuries, please remain seated and keep your seat belt on
until we stop at the gate. Captain Phillips is an excellent
pilot, but he's a lousy driver."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnny was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johanna's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnny was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johanna's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."