Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and
the other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first
man what he wants.
I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of tonic,
a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."
Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine
a Frizzle.It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of
orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."
The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the
first man what he does for a living.
"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."
Then he asks the other man what he does.
"Theoretical mathematician at the college."
"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order
a drink that I've never heard of. You have the identical
profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day
at the same time. What are the odds on something like that
happening?"
Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion,
nine hunderd, and eighty-seven billion to one."
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"It looks like Hillary Clinton will concede... And, again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with this term. Like he said today, 'How could she concede? She's 60. That's too old to have kids.'" --Jay Leno
"Al Gore for a while was vice president, and he had the book and the film, 'Inconvenient Truth,' which was about climate change. Well, they're turning that 'Inconvenient Truth' into an opera. Al Gore and opera - are you kidding? Cut me a slice of that! Let's go! But they had some trouble and they have postponed the opening of that opera. Apparently, the composer is having trouble finding a rhyme for low emission hybrid." --David Letterman
"An article in USA Today reports that Barack Obama and John McCain have two very different visions of the world. That's what it said. Yeah. Biggest difference is that John McCain's vision makes it impossible for him to drive at night. He's got to go slowly." --Conan O'Brien
"Word is that Hillary will endorse Obama tomorrow around noon. ... Now we'll see if Obama asks her to be vice president or not. ... Meanwhile, some more high-profile support for Obama today. Music legend Bob Dylan, who is maybe the most respected person in all of music, he told the Times of London today that he supports Barack Obama. Or at least they think that's what he said, he may have been trying to book a flight to
"There's a lot of pressure on Barack Obama to put Hillary on the ticket. Even his advisers are telling him that Hillary can deliver the woman vote. And, of course, Bill can deliver the other woman vote. So between the two of them, that's, you know, that's a lot of women." --Jay Leno
"Well, remember Senator Larry Craig, everybody remember Senator Larry Craig? He's ... written his memoir. Yup. And guess what, he's having a book signing at the Barnes & Noble men's room. So get there" --David Letterman
"A high school in
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Daddy's Trick
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious.
"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
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What's in the Bag
Two hillbillies are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm, five?"
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Comforting
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
Weird News
Child screened in airport luggage X-ray
OSLO, Norway (UPI) -- Airport workers said they were reviewing safety procedures after a preschool-aged child climbed onto a luggage check-in ramp at Oslo Airport in Norway.
Neither the child's parents nor airport workers noticed the curious youngster had sneaked onto the ramp until the child went through baggage X-ray equipment, Aftenposten reported.
After climbing onto the ramp, the child went out of sight, through a chute and through scanning equipment, the report said.
"It's unfortunate that a child could get into the system like this," ground services official Thor Hagen told reporters.
Officials said the child was reunited with his parents minutes after being found and airport safety procedures were being reviewed.
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Police: Forklift thief didn't get far
BOYNTON BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Boynton Beach, Fla., said a suspected forklift thief was arrested after he was caught driving the vehicle about one mile from where it was stolen.
Investigators said Todd Barnes, 44, allegedly drove the 21,600-pound vehicle from a construction site and traveled about one mile before he was stopped by officers, the
He was charged with grand larceny, trespassing on a construction site and driving with a suspended license.
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Aggressive crow targets reflection in cars
WESTON-SUPER-MARE, England (UPI) -- People in
The Rev. Geoff Eales of St Peter's Church -- whose car has been targeted by the crow three times during the past week -- said motorists in the town have spent an estimated $140 replacing windshield wipers torn off during the bird's attacks, The Daily Mail reported.
Locals said the crow has lived in the same oak tree for the past four years, but only began attacking cars about two weeks ago.
"Residents are at a loss to know what to do about the bird, with various ideas from building a scarecrow to hiring a hawk to scare him off," said former town crier Pluto Denn, 76.
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$200,000 in checks tossed in trash
The woman, who asked to remain anonymous, said she flagged down the driver of the garbage truck as soon as she noticed the checks, which were from the company she works for, had gone missing, KTVX-TV,
Brad Rollins, waste management supervisor for
Rollins said the two women said a prayer and one of the women almost immediately picked up a bag that turned out to contain the missing documents.
"The checks were in great shape. They weren't wrinkled, they were still flat, the deposit slip was still in there. She could've taken it right to the bank and they wouldn't even have known where it had been, and it had been on a trip," Rollins said.
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.
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Robbing A Computer Programmer
Who not to contact if you're looking for a big windfall...
A robber pulls a knife on a stranger walking along the way, and says, “Your money or your life.”
The stranger says, “I'm a programmer!”
The robber asks, “What do you mean by that?”
The stranger says, “I have no money, or a life.”
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Disappointment
One of life's disappointments is discovering that the man who writes the bank's ads is not the one who makes the loans.
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Advertising Claims
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
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Nice Doggie
Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
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Unfamiliar Court
The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I dont recognize this court!"
"Why?" asked the Judge.
"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."