Doctor's OrderA guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please.""Less? Never heard of it.""C'mon, sure you have.""No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?""I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."
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95th Birthday"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!""Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
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Old Maserati
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down. Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed. I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?" There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
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Impressions
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
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Impressions
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
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For The Kids...
What do you call a skeleton snake? A rattler! What happened to the vampire who swallowed sheep?He felt baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! Who is the most important member of the ghost's soccer team?The ghoulie! What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish?It came back with a skeleton crew!
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"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty,"
pleaded an anxious-looking man.
"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.
"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a
few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I
want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last
chance to repay him."
"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on
the jury who can lie like that."
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May the fourth be with you.
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Not Feeling WellA man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."