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PONDERISMS
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? They're just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
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RED SKELTON'S -TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have
a little beverage, good food and companionship. She
goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif.
and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding
her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long
time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and
electric bread maker. She said "There are too many
gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an
electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the
car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too
late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump
in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of
divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't
like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked
"What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word............just clean and simple fun
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"Mom's Special Brownies"
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.Let cat out of refrigerator.Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.Bake 25 minutes.Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan:1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.Collapse and call the baker for delivery.