Monday, January 22, 2007

hUMOR For Jan 22nd

Little Vernie's mother knew that her son had been telling a lot of lies as of
late. So she had made arrangements for Little Vernie to go over to talk to
their priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were
compulsive liars.

So Little Vernie's mother asks him if he would go over to the parsonage and
help the priest with some chores. Little Vernie, being a very helpful kid,
went over. Upon answering the door the priest asks Little Vernie if he was at
church Sunday and, of course, he lied and said yes.

"Well," said the priest, "I guess you saw what happened at church Sunday?"

"Yes," said Little Verniue, again lying.

"I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come through the front door and up
the aisle grabbing people from their seats and eating them up, every last
one of them!" said the priest.

"Yea," said Little Vernie.

"Well I guess you saw that little beagle dog come in right behind him," said
the priest, "They stared each other down, and then they met right in the
middle of the church, biting, scratching, and finally that little beagle
killed that big-o-grizzly bear."

The priest looked Little Vernie straight in the eye and asked "Little Vernie,
do you honest to goodness believe that story?"

Little Vernie said without a quiver "I sure do preacher. That was my dog.

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A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm
threatened. As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy
waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"

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Prayer is asking for rain. Faith is carrying the umbrella.

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My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.

Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"

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Driver's License
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh? " "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play."My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce.""Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."

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Stinky AdviceI was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement."Leave a trail of bread crumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it."An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. "Now I have TWO skunks in my basement!"

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NEW WORDS FOR 2007 :

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard 4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer------ 14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. 17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.